Bruised Peaches

Leave Joe Out of It.

2008-10-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

So against my better judgement, I am watching the final presidential debate. I needed something to do while waiting for the Project Runway finale and since I couldn't find a rerun of the Rachel Zoe Project, I settled for the yammering of politicians.

I should have picked up a book.

It was the same old stuff. The economy blah, blah, blah. And of course Joe came up. Sarah Palin loves to talk about Joe Six Pack and Obama has his own Joe in Biden so the wrinkled turkey necked artifact needed his own "Joe". Johnny referenced Joe the Plumber, a real man Obama met in Ohio this week, a billion times. Joe the Plumber, like Mr. Six Pack, is supposed to represent us regular Americans. It's a cartoonish yet folksy way to blanket characterize an entire group of people without ever actually having to be one of those people. It is insulting to have multi-millionaires paint our collective picture as factory working Coors swilling Billy Ray Cyrus fans. Sure they exist and God bless them but I ain't one of them. For future reference politicians, I'd like to be called Josie Chardonnay, thank you very much.

And poor Joe the Plumber. Little did he know a conversation with Barrack Obama would turn him into a poster child for Skeletor and the gun show goddess.

Lynda Carter is Still My Hero

2008-10-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

My childhood hero, Lynda Carter has been popping up all over the place lately. She did a gig in Atlantic City a few weeks back, she found a body floating in the Potomac River over the summer, and she's got a movie coming out soon. But the best thing I've heard from Wonder Woman appeared in Philadelphia magazine a couple of weeks ago. Here's what she had to say about comparisons between Wonder Woman and Sarah Palin:

Okay, last question. I'm sure you've seen all the comparisons in the media and among Republicans of Sarah Palin to Wonder Woman. How do you feel about that?
Don’t get me started. She’s the anti-Wonder Woman. She’s judgmental and dictatorial, telling people how they’ve got to live their lives. And a superior religious self-righteousness ... that’s just not what Wonder Woman is about. Hillary Clinton is a lot more like Wonder Woman than Mrs. Palin. She did it all, didn’t she?

No one has the right to dictate, particularly in this country, to force your own personal views upon the populace — religious views. I think that is suppressive, oppressive, and anti-American. We are the loyal opposition. That’s the whole point of this country: freedom of speech, personal rights, personal freedom. Nor would Wonder Woman be the person to tell people how to live their lives. Worry about your own life! Worry about your own family! Don't be telling me what I want to do with mine.

I like John McCain. But this woman — it's anathema to me what she stands for. I think America should be very afraid. Very afraid. Separation of church and state is the one thing the creators of the Constitution did agree on — that it wasn’t to be a religious government. People should feel free to speak their minds about religion but not dictate it or put it into law.

What I don’t understand, honestly, is how anyone can even begin to say they know the mind of God. Who do they think they are? I think that’s ridiculous. I know what God is in my life. Now I am sure that she’s not all just that. But it’s enough to me. It’s enough for me to have a visceral reaction. And it makes me mad.

People need to speak up. Doesn’t mean that I’m godless. Doesn’t mean that I am a murderer. What I hate is this demonization of everybody but one position. You’re un-American because you’re against the war. It’s such bullshit. Fear. It’s really such a finite way of thinking about God to think that your measley little mind can know the mind of God. It’s a very little God that way. I think that God’s bigger. I don’t presume to know his mind. Or her mind.

I knew I wanted to be her when I grew up for reason. A reason other than the boots, that is.

I Think Kristie Alley Said it Best When She said....

2008-09-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

'Nuff Said.

Heather Forever

2008-09-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

It's all over the news and the internet that Heather Locklear was arrested today for a DUI. There was no racial slurs or injured trees, just some sunglasses that she ran over. I say no harm no foul. Poor Heather has had a bitch of a couple of months. Her meds are out of wack and she has fallen on tough times. Let us remember the lovely Locklear as the woman who saved Spelling shows and not as the gal who took too much candy, shall we?

Just marvel as she poses as an exotic dancer on TJ Hooker! Or wonder at how La Locklear takes a bitch slap! But mostly let's celebrate Heather the superslut boss.

Heather, we've got your back. Besides, who among us hasn't popped the wrong pill at the wrong time?

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

2008-09-26T13:12:00.001-07:00

Here's the list of the songs I just can't get enough of this week. Enjoy!

1.) "Crazy"-Jem It has been a long three years since we've heard from Jem and this addictive track with it's electro-banjos and fizzy production proves it was worth the wait.

2.)"Youthless"- Beck Sometimes Beck rocks my world and other times he wears me the fuck out. Thankfully, this song from Modern Guilt and recently heard on Grey's Anatomy is a thoughtfully written and artfully produced track. It's the funky Beck you love with a little more substance!

3.)"Acid Tongue", Jenny Lewis The title track from Jenny Lewis' second solo record is filled with sharp lyrics and cutting commentary we've come to expect from her. And her voice sounds heavenly.

4.) "Electric Feel", MGMT I am a little behind the curve on this band but recently got on board big time. I've downloaded this song and listened to it a billion times.

5.) "The World Should Revole Around Me", Little Jackie For those of us who have been fans of Imani Coppola for years, we couldn't be happier that her new project has been so successful. She's still wry, witty, and blunt but now set to a funky retro beat.

Britney's back. Kind of.

2008-09-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

The new single, "Womanizer", by Britney Spears was released today riding the waves of the recent "she's not crazy anymore" PR spin that's been brewing for the last few months. I wasn't the worlds biggest fan of her last album but to each his own. I have always enjoyed Britney like one does roller rink nachos, it's great for what it is but compared to everything else it's just okay. So I was eager for a little pop escape and rushed over to her website to give it a listen.

The issue that Britney has had over the last couple of years, aside from forgetting her panties, has been the ability to evolve and change to stay ahead of the others in her genre. Sadly, "Womanizer" won't help her in that direction either. It's a bland, repetitive "you've done me wrong song" that sounds like it was picked from the Rhianna discard pile. The big head scratcher with this song is the lack of hook. Britney has never really possessed a strong point of view so she desperately needs great pop writers to create a character for her a la "Baby, One More Time" and "Toxic". In lieu of being catchy, the song chooses the borderline annoying route having the songbird repeat the title over and over until your ready to rip your ears off.

The other mystery here is the production quality. It sounds so rushed it's as if it was recorded in some one's garage yesterday and released today. Her vocals are typical Britney and in that sense the song succeeds. She purrs in all the right places and sells it. After all, critiquing the singing on a Britney song is as irrelevant as judging a soap opera on it's acting.

Still, I find myself rooting for the girl. I want her to be back on top and think she has the stuff to do it and again it's a disappointment. The fundamental problem surrounding Britney, in my opinion, is her team. She needs to give smart and honest interviews. She needs to work with top notch songwriters and innovative producers. She needs to work with better stylists. Two of the first lessons in Madonna 101 are to surround yourself with talented people and show the fans a good time. "Womanizer" proves that although she might not be a train wreck anymore, she's far from graduating.

It's Friday Music Day!

2008-09-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

Due to a crazy ass work schedule, I missed last Friday. So I am now here to make it up to you with some great music.

Like this booty shaker from Hercules and Love Affair.

Or this sexy ditty by Bitter:Sweet. Click on "Sugar Mama".

Or how about this amazing number by Alanis?

Still not happy?

Then how about this funk-tacular Sly & the Family Stone performance?

Now don't say I never gave you nothin'!

Non-News of the Week.

2008-09-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Clay Aiken is Gay!! New 90210 Actresses Are Too Skinny!! Sarah Pallin's Preacher is an Extremist Whack Job!! Traffic in Los Angeles sucks!!!

Jeeze. These are the items flooding the Internet?!? It's not like there's a war going on or that the economy is in the crapper or anything. But just because I like to hear myself talk, I will give you my two cents on the aforementioned topics and then we will never speak of them again and I can go back to talking about important stuff like reality TV.

Clay Aiken: Even if you have no gaydar whatsoever and the only gay celebrity you know is Tom Cruise, you had to see this one coming. His last album tanked, magically a baby appeared in his arms a few weeks back and all of the sudden he's pulling a Lance Bass on the cover of People Magazine. Well good for him and personally I feel vindicated. I made a joke about him in an article I wrote awhile back and a pack of angry Claymates attacked me and defended his heterosexuality. To those rabid fans I'd like to take you back to third grade by simply saying "Told ya!"

90210: Today's 90210 girls are yesterday's Kiera Knightly and the day before that's Calista Flockhart. Yawn. The real expose that should be going on here how skinny Hollywood men are. I mean I saw Freddy Prinze Jr awhile back and he looked like a toothpick holding an olive and don't even get me started on the male stars of a certain hospital show who all need a bag of Del Taco STAT! Yet we never see guys on the cover of US Weekly. Hmm. Regardless, I think everybody needs to realize it's the industry and this town that creates the skinny standard and not the performers themselves. I say if we want to attack the younger cast of 90210, let's talk about how they cannot act and how awful their show is and leave it at that.

Sarah Pallin: I have stayed away from this topic because I do not want to give her any more praise, popularity, or press than she deserves. I have not and will not sit through any of her interviews. I refuse to read quotes by her. In short, you will not find me waving a tube of lipstick in the air at her next speech. She's an animal murdering, environment killing, money grubbing, anti-woman tool so naturally she has a crazy preacher who wants to protect her from witches and does wacky healing ceremonies. I think religion and spirituality are extremely personal and should be kept out of the political arena entirely. Not voting for somebody based solely on their religous beliefs is silly. Especially, when there are so many other reasons not to vote for Sarah Pallin.

Livin' La Vida Leachman

2008-09-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

As promised, I sat down to that televised equivalent of a bag of cheese puffs known as Dancing with the Stars and let me just say I was blown away! Yes it's still a hokey, bloated train wreck but the contestants were very entertaining.

My beloved Kim Kardashian looked stunning even though she danced rather poorly. She kept wondering why she was so unbalanced. Hmm, Kimmy. It could have anything to do with that enormous booty, could it? Anywho, the whole clan was there cheering her on and I hope she stays around.

Susan Lucci, on the other hand, was a total disappointment as she moved like the world's skinniest android. La Lucci, we love you but you need to visit In-N-Out while your in Los Angeles. Daily. Olympic volleyballer Misty May was also a letdown. I'm used to athletes dominating on this show but she kind of looked like stallion in a ball gown and danced like one too.

My favorite performance of the night was that of Miss Cloris Leechman. Being 82 did not slow her down! She's still fiesty and hilarious. Sure, she's not gonna win the damn disco ball trophy but she will provide entertainment while she's around. In her first night, she sat on the judges laps, zinged one-liners, and jokingly blurted obscenities when she received her scores. Also, it should be noted that her body is AMAZING for an old gal. I've always loved her in things like The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Young Frankenstein so I'm not surprised she's just as funny in real life.

In addition to Leechman, there's the "will Toni Braxton collapse?" factor, the Lacey from So You Think You Can Dance joining the cast as one of the pros, and the return of yummy Maks!

And just like that: I'm hooked. I always say to myself "Maybe I'll skip it this year". 5 million sequins and ten has-beens later, I'm mesmerized and on board for the entire season.

Fall TV Report Part Two

2008-09-23T01:48:00.000-07:00

Okay so this is the big week. The week where my beloved Betty returns, the week when my Amazing Race comes back to prove that "No, it's not overrated", and the week where I decide if I want to sit through that new Christian Slater show or not.

I skipped tonight's Heroes premiere simply because I do not know what the hell is going on. Seriously. Last season confused me and I felt like I was missing something so instead I watched Marie Osmond faint on Dancing with the Stars. That at least made sense. I keep thinking if I have a season two marathon, I would be back in the game but then a show about Brooke Hogan buying a bikini comes on and all bets are off. So I don't have geek cred. Kill me.

Speaking of Dancing with the Stars, I did DVR that one and did not watch it. Listen, I know that ABC's corny has-been-fest is a shlocky hot mess but again I watch Brooke Hogan. What makes DWTS fun is the cast. If it has folks you care about ("Look, Kelly Taylor's doing the foxtrot!") then it's a hell of a ride, if not ( "Uhm is that guy from porn or an ABC soap?") it's no fun. Still, this cast looks promising what with Kim Kardashian, Susan Lucci, and Cloris Leachman mixing it up. So I'm on board regardless of how pathetic it is.

Mostly, I have been enjoying early returners like Gossip Girl ( I know how many times a day can a mention this show?)and T:TSCC and summer holdouts like the FLAWLESS Mad Men. But the week is young my friends and I will be keeping watch of the latest, greatest, and silliest. So as they say in TV- Stay tuned!

Catherine is the New Alexis

2008-09-23T00:43:00.000-07:00

Once upon a ruffled shoulder pad, if you wanted to name the resident beyatch on your nighttime drama, the name of choice would be Alexis. After all, it did wonders for Dynasty and soon everything from daytime soaps to big movies had villanesses named Alexis, Alex, or Alexandra.

Two decades and multiple fashion disasters later, the televixen name of choice has changed. Your new I-love-to-hate-her gal is now Catherine. Turns out the old school moniker of royalty is now the "it" name for royal bitches.

Take Catherine Weaver played scrumptiously by Garbage lead singer Shirley Manson on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles for example. Decked out in taliored monochromatic suits and a slicked out ponytail Manson's cyborg with a secret is my favorite evil Catherine since Katherine Hiegl. I know that was a cheap shot but necessary since we all secretly love/hate her.

Elsewhere (and by that I mean on the CW), Catherine on Gossip Girl is actual royalty, even if it's just by marriage. In her short time terrorizing the Upper Eastside teens, Duchess Catherine has already blackmailed a young girl, slept with said girl's crush, and macked out with her own stepson! Leave it to Central Park West and Twin Peaks alum Madchen Amick to give this cougarriffic Catherine some real claws. Joan would be proud.

And lastly, the first new Katherine (with a K!) that grabbed me last year was Katherine Mayfair of Desperate Housewives. I've already blogged about how fabulous Dana Delany is in this role but since she was ROBBED of an Emmy nomination, it's worth repeating. Ms. Mayfair is a secretive, controlling witch but it's her sadness and turmoil that makes her utterly compelling. Marc Cherry and company should be applauded for being ahead of the curve.

Still, you have to give Alexis her due. Because if an Alexis was unhappy with her writers she wouldn't whine about it to the press. She'd just have them fired. Or at least beat the hell out of them.

Lady Business

2008-09-22T15:18:00.000-07:00

So last night, Tina Fey won a ton of Emmys and I couldn't be happier. I've only seen a few episodes of 30 Rock but I have vowed to get my hands on dvds and watch them all before the new season starts. I promise.

The woman is a comedic genius and SNL is a waste of space without her. She was also nominated for her stint as a guest host on SNL which coincidentally was the best episode they've had since she left. They kept showing a clip from the skit "Lady Business" that had me and my man snickering at just the thought of it. It's a parody of Lipstick Jungle/ Cashmere Mafia and hands down one of the funniest sketches they've ever done.

Watch it here and enjoy!

Lipstick on a Pig? It's been done, honey.

2008-09-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

Has the world ever needed Miss Piggy more than we do now?

There's talk of a new Muppet movie and holiday special and it can't happen soon enough for me. I know people say since his passing, Jim Henson's creatures just haven't been the same and I tend to agree. But I'm remaining hopeful since the Muppets still take me to my "happy place".

Plus, I could use a little dose of Miss Piggy's tough, diva attitude right about now. I have a short list of people she could karate chop and insult in that special way that only Miss Piggy could do. While I await her return, I've found some killer youtube clips of the diva in action to hold me over. Like this fabulous opening number from her television special, a comedy mash up of her on Top Model, her dancing at a disco with Christopher Reeve and Cheryl Ladd(!), and a classic moment from the Muppet Show.

Watching these clips makes you realize how good we had it as kids with the genius of Frank Oz and Jim Henson. Kids today(a phrase that automatically makes you sound really old) are stuck with the Jonas Brothers and That's so Raven. Hardly seems fair.

Running from The Hills!

2008-09-17T17:23:00.001-07:00

I have little guilt when it comes to admitting my secret love of bad reality tv. I should, I suppose hang my head in shame but instead I wear my trash tv crown with pride and I'm all "I watched four hours of I Love New York. What?"

So it's a tad baffling that I've never gotten into The Hills on MTV. Trust me, it's not like I've drawn some line in the sand and said "watching strippers play mud football to win a date with Brett Michaels is one thing but phony LA fashion designers stabbing each other in the back is where I say enough is enough!" And on paper, it seems like the kind of thing that I should enjoy. Entertainment Weekly even declared it a "classic". So what's the deal?

First off, if I want to watch bad bottle blonds being bitchy in fake situations clearly set up by producers, then I'll turn on Young and the Restless. Secondly, Lauren Conrad kinda scares me. She seems like she could snap at any moment and her lack of charisma and likability support my psycho theory. Another reason, I don't watch is because I feel like I've seen the whole damn show already with all the non-stop media coverage and omnipresence of the cast on the red carpet. Dave and I have a joke that anytime we don't recognize a celebrity on TMZ it probably means they are from The Hills. Like this guy in the picture. Oh you don't know who he is either? Good so maybe I'm not the only one who doesn't watch this show. (Apparently, he's Brody Jenner and he's one of the stars, just fyi)

Mainly, though, my issue with The Hills is that it didn't grab in the beginning which is what needs to happen to get one hooked on reality tv. So unless someone out there wants to lend me the dvds, my life will go on "Hill-less". And that's probably a good thing.

Fall TV Report Part One

2008-09-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

So I know the good stuff ( Ugly Betty, Dirty,Sexy,Money, Desperate Housewives, Nip/Tuck, Damages, Amazing Race, etc.) doesn't start for a few weeks but since I am a huge television whore I have been watching it all, darling. The results have ranged from fabulous to "please someone grab an automatic weapon".

And here are they are:

90210- The most hyped show of the season is (surprise!) also the worst. Other than Shannen Doehtry and the brilliant Jessica Walter, this steaming pile of cliched teen show refuse is a dated unintentionally campy mess. The acting is horrid and the writing is totally uninspired. Avoid it at all costs.

True Blood- HBO! Alan Ball! Anna Paquin! Should be brilliant, right? Far from it. The log ride accents and lame vampire portrayals bog down this show down. What should be a funny, fizzy, scary ride is more like being stuck in a busted Pinto in rush hour traffic.

Terminator:The Sarah Connor Chronicles- Faster moving and better written than season 1, this franchise series received a shot of insulin due to an icy performance by Garbage front woman Shirley Manson and exhilarated story lines. Watch it before the a-holes at Fox cancel it!

Gossip Girl- Okay, I'm exhausted from telling people how much fun this show is! But gosh darn it, I am a giver and I'll do it till I'm blue in the face. Hot NYC locales, the best clothes on TV, and a cast that you wanna make out with each and every one of them, Gossip Girl is the shit. Take a big whiff!

Privileged- This frothy, funny fairy-tale is the most fun I've had in front of ye ole boob tube in quite sometime. Think Enchanted meets the Hilton sisters without the sex tapes. For those of us missing Men in Trees, Privileged is the perfect antidote.

Fringe- There are two camps, traditionally, when it comes to JJ Abrams. You either dig his brand of self indulgent sci-fi or it makes you want to tear your corninas out. I fall somewhere in the middle. The first 45 minutes of Fringe was a bloated, ridiculous mess but the last half grabbed me. So I'll tune in until the pretense irritates me. Plus, I kinda missed Joshua Jackson!

My DVR will be working overtime but I will watch all the new shows even if it is simply to make fun of them and you'll be here reading every step of the way!

Simply Barbra!

2008-09-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

Let it be known that yours truly has never been one of those gays who worships at the alter of Barbra Streisand. Maybe I'm too young. Maybe my heart belongs to Madonna and Cher and there's simply no room for one more diva. Whatever it is, I will never be like the license plate I recently saw on a Cadillac "BJS#1FAN" (that stands for Barbra Joan Striesand and the world tour backstage pass dangling from the rearview mirror confirmed it, so get your mind out of the gutter). Sure, I love Funny Girl and some of her seventies songs are amazing but her egomanical persona and preachiness have always rubbed me the wrong way.

So I was surprised when I stumbled upon her blog about John McCain/ Sarah Palin. She perfectly she nails the whole situation and manipulation. Read it here.

Babs, a former Hillary supporter has now thrown her weight behind Obama and is performing tonight at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills. And I gotta give the old broad props for sticking to her guns and saying what she believes.

This, naturally, does not change the fact that I would rather eat tacks than watch The Mirror Has Two Faces nor does it make me want to blare her horrible duet with Celine Dion.

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

2008-09-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

1.) "Sincerely, Jane", Janelle Monae-As everybody already knows, I’m the world’s biggest skeptic when it comes to musical acts that the world buzzes about but every so often the buzz is deserved. Janelle Monae is such an artist. Watch, listen, and enjoy.

2.)"Me & Armini", Emiliana Torrini-Torrini’s last record was the heartbreaking minimal Fisherman’s Woman while her debut was riding the wave of electro that was popular at the time. So where’s a gal to go next? Well ,if this title track is any indication, she has melted both sounds and added a touch of dub and reggae. The end result is pure genius.

3.) "Keeps Getting Better", Christina Aguilera-A great Chirstina Aguilera song is like a really good cheeseburger. It may not be good for you but it’s so damn tasty you could care less that it might clog you arteries. “Keeps Getting Better” is X-Tina at the peak of her powers with drizzled with Richard X-like production. Plus, any song that features the songbird howling “SUPER BITCH” is a must for your fall playlist. So Miss Aguilady, I’ll take the combo and go ahead and supersize it!

4.) "Designer Music", Lipps INC.- Sure everybody loves (or kinda hates) Funky Town but when it comes to Lipps Inc I’ll take Designer Music any day over that tired old party gem. It features the lyric “If Calvin says it’s smashin’, it’s got to be in fashion”, some very dramatic vocals and one of the best videos I’ve found in a long , long time!

5.) "Hooray! Hooray!", Boney M- Holy satin pantsuits! This silly Caribbean/funk ditty is like doing mushrooms on the Lido deck of the Love Boat and a perfect way to kick off your weekend. Hooray, indeed.

Have a lovely weekend. It's great to be back!

Vagina Rock

2008-09-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, someone who does not know me very well innocently commented after hearing a few songs on my iPod that I listened to “some serious chick music”. For some reason, it annoyed me. Actually, I have several reasons to be annoyed with a statement like that.

First off it’s sexist. Had my iPod happen to play the David Bowie, The Clash, Cut Copy or Jamie Lidell that it does indeed posses, would I have been accused being a fan of “penis music”? I doubt it.
Secondly, I think it’s inaccurate. When I think of “chick music”, I think of plus-sized college gals listening to John Mayer while eating a pint of Cherry Garcia in their dorm room. Rest assured, I’m not her.
Lastly, I don’t like to be put in a box(pun intended, by the way). As a former record store employee and DJ, I like to think that I like all kinds of music regardless of the gender of the artist. In short, if it doesn’t suck, I’ll listen to it.

And yet there is truth in the statement. 95% of all the music I listen to just so happens to be by female artists. And no it’s not just because I’m gay although the term “gay music” also annoys me but I’ll save that rant for a rainy day or for whenever Jimmy Somerville releases a new album. Whichever comes first.

I guess female musicians from all genres appeal to me because I feel the message and I buy it unconditionally. From dance music and rock to jazz and pop, women in music speak to me. I think on some level because of the heart and struggle that inherently exists in the work. For example, when Billie Holiday sings Strange Fruit the power hits you directly in the gut. This song is not gender specific as it is about the horrors of racial violence but having a woman deliver the message makes it even more powerful.
Also, most male vocalists just don’t do it for me. Listening to a straight white man whine about a broken heart doesn’t stir up any emotion in me unless you're Elvis Costello and again that’s an entirely separate blog. In short, I’ll swing to Sinatra when I’m doing dishes but if I need to be lifted to another emotional plain, then Nina Simone will have to be present.

So yeah I love chick music, girl groups, and vagina rock. So what? It makes me proud that my nieces could be the next Chrissie Hyndes or Stevie Nicks or Bjorks if they wanted to be. I’ve learned to embrace my feminism as of late and thankfully it has a kick ass soundtrack.

Friday Music Day, The all girl edition!

2008-09-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

With all this negativity surrounding a certain woman politician ,whom I refuse to address by name as I am deeply afraid of her, I have decided to dedicate this edition of Friday Music Day to the flawless females of music. After all there's a lot to celebrate. Shirley Manson kicked some ass this week on TV's Terminator, The Pretenders have a new record coming out, and Britney has been officially removed from the "kick her when she's down" list by winning a ton of MTV Awards.

To get things started, let's give a shout out to rapper/producer/shit talker Princess Superstar. NYC's blonde goddess of electro-rap is truly a gal we can be proud of. She produces all of her own music and owns her own record label. She's vocal about gay and women's rights and she even has a song coming out with the legendary Grandmaster Flash in October. Enjoy this video for "Licky" and bow down to the Princess!

Not Over but Over There

2008-09-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

A wise woman once said "It's not over but it's over there". That genius was Carrie Fisher and it explains perfectly how I feel about yesterday, September 11th. Do I hurt like I did on that day? No. But are those feelings still lurking around a corner somewhere? Hell yes. Have I found a way to move past what I felt that day? Of course. But will I ever return to being the same hopeful person I once was? Hell no.

So that's where we all float. Between over it and over there. We carry the load of victims of Katrina on our backs like school kids with overstuffed backpacks. We shake our heads at video footage of the Tsunami. And we dread the month of September not just because crappy television shows that we never watched will somehow be returning but because we will be forced to remember a time where we saw the world around us crumble before our very eyes. Still, somehow we place it over there in a place where it hurts but it won't kill us.

I'm guilty of being the first person to shout out "I don't want to talk about it" or "It's too depressing" when that ugly date has shown it's face on my calendar for the last seven years. I have no shame when it comes to playing the "it's too painful card". This is a luxury, I know and a silly one at that. But it comes in handy when avoiding an event that is unsavory.

Still, I needed something else to replace September 11th as the day chaos reigned supreme. And low and behold this year I got it. Yesterday, my friend and coworker Mario from Mexico officially became a US citizen. He has worked his ass off for over five years to make this happen so when he told me months ago that his ceremony was to be held on September 11th, I said "Oh god" instead of "congratulations!" or "good for you!" I was presented with the opportunity to make a bad day not just go over there but to go away entirely and instead I let some silly numbers invoke negativity.

Strangely enough, I woke up yesterday morning with a sense of peace and happiness. Truth be told, I did not remember it was September 11th until late in the day. I did remember early on that my friend was attending his citizenship ceremony. I was content in the morning and I did not run for the television screen to see what did or did not happen. I felt happy that my friend would soon be rewarded for all his hard work. Period.

So has my hurt regarding "that day" dissipated completely? No and I don't think it ever will. But is it almost done being "over there"? Definitely.

Fav 5 Celebrity Relatives!

2008-05-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe I was inspired by Memorial Day weekend as families gather together for barbeque's, maybe I was just thinking about my brother because today's his birthday or maybe I just needed a reason to post a video of Jackie Stallone eating jumbo shrimp. Whatever the reason, here's my Fav 5 Celebrity Relatives!

1.) La Toya Jackson: You might think that your wacked out uncle who used to belong to a cult and now repos cars is the craziest family member anyone could ever have but you're wrong! La Toya Jackson wins that title by a landslide. From salacious tell-all books and nude photo shoots with reptiles, to an awful acting career and a vomit inducing music career, La Toya is the one to beat. So, as the lady herself says, "Roll up your sleeves and give me some respect!"

2.) Jackie Stallone: Rambo's mom is one big bucket of extra crispy crazy! Don't believe me? Well check out her appearance on the UK's Celebrity Big Brother. She looks like Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid. Except melted. And drunk. Like the lovely La Toya, Jackie also loves headbands as well as wrestling, rapping, rumpology, and yes, jumbo shrimp. Mama Stallone is a mutha like no otha' and for that we should all be grateful.

3.)Jimmy Osmond: I really don't know what to say about the toothiest and youngest member of the Osmond clan. If Marie was a little bit country and Donnie was a little bit rock and roll, then Jimmy was what? A little bit scary? A little bit dorky? Like I said I'm at a loss so I'll let this clip from Fame do the talking.

4) Liz & Jean Sagal: I loved Double Trouble, a sitcom about a pair of trouble making twins from 1984. I'm sure it's totally unwatchable now but as a kid I thought it was the bomb. Liz and Jean's more famous sister Katey Sagal went on to play Peg Bundy for a billion years and the twins went on to little else. Still, they were in Grease 2 and Howard the Duck so that's why they make the list.

5.)Hoku Ho: Don Ho's daughter had some minor hit songs like "Perfect Day" which was in Legally Blonde and commercials for JC Penny clearance sales. Gee, I didn't mean to make that sound so sad but looking at it now really depresses me. Well, she was also in a movie called Arizona Summer with Greg Evigan and Morgan Fairchild too. Okay I'm making things worse. But Hoko has a special place in my heart simply because of her name. I love it. I love saying it. If I was a Thundercat or ninja, I would yell "HOKU HO" as my battle cry and then I'd kick some serious ass.

Happy Memorial Day!

Mrs. Huxtable's Funky Little Secret.

2008-05-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

I love hidden disco gems and I love television stars who sing (Joey Lawrence, anyone?). So imagine my delight when I stumbled upon Josephine Superstar by Phylicia Allen.

Apparently, Mrs Huxtable threw her hat into the disco ring with this concept record that told the life story of Josephine Baker all set to a funky beat! No, I'm not making this up. There's a hilarious blog about it here if you don't believe me!

Phylicia was married to the original lead singer of The Village People, Victor Willis who wrote much of the tracks on the album. Released on the legendary disco label Casablanca Records in 1978, Josephine Superstar is a big bag of campy disco just waiting to be rediscovered! Sadly, I couldn't find clip of "Don't Cry Mommy" that features a children's choir (again, not kidding) but I think this little nugget will wet your appetite nicely.

Enjoy!

Fav 5 Songs of the Week! Super Gay Edition!

2008-05-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

It's Fav 5 time again, darlings. This homolicious list won't make you more gay than you already are but hopefully it makes you shake your ass.

1.) "Spotlight", Jennifer Hudson- What could be gayer than a song sung by the star of a hit musical? "Spotlight" invokes the soul sounds of retro R&B divas like Tina Turner and Phyllis Hyman with it's "ooh, ooh, ooh" backing vocals and smooth drumbeats. Fierce!

2.) "Give it to Me", Madonna- Since my review of her newest album, I've actually grown to really love some of the songs like "Give it to Me". Great for housecleaning and private dance parties.

3.) "Into the Nightlife", Cyndi Lauper- Taking a page from the Cher handbook, La Lauper's newest album is a big gay dance record. Working with Max Martin, Scrumfrog, and Basement Jaxx, Bring Ya to the Brink is an electro-filled goodie bag and this song is one of the best.

4.)"You Know Me Better", Roisin Murphy- I'm tired of telling people how amazing this album is but the world still doesn't listen so I guess I'll have to keep preaching. Hopefully, this single, the third from the brilliant Overpowered, will finally make the doubters take notice.

5.)"Cheap and Cheerful", The Kills- A fucking awesome track with great lyrics from one of the best bands in the world. What queer guy or gal wouldn't love The Kills' brand of in your face art-rock?

Have a gay ole weekend!

Peach

Saint Cyndi

2008-05-23T11:57:00.000-07:00

It's hard for me to not get a little emotional when I talk about Cyndi Lauper. Seriously. My history with the singer is a layered and deep one, child.

I was 11 years old when I rode my bike down to Peaches Records & Tapes (the real name of the chain, by the way) in Denver and bought my own copy of She's So Unusual on vinyl. It was the first record I purchased with my own money that I earned from baby sitting. More than that, it was my record. It wasn't my sister's English Beat albums, that I was forbidden to touch unless supervised but this belonged to me. I listened to over and over again not just because it was the only one in my collection but because I genuinely loved it. I read the liner notes repeatedly and memorized every lyric to every song. Something about this crazy girl from Queens with the Betty Boop voice and Skittle colored hair just spoke to me.

Cyndi was unafraid to be herself and relished being unique and different. Even crazier, the world embraced her for it! Looking back, it was clearly a message I needed to hear. I was a femmine kid with a high pitched voice and an awkward demeanor. I spent a lot of time feeling bad that I wasn't like other kids. On some level, I must have soaked up Cyndi's mission statement of individuality somewhere along the way. Performers like her, Boy George, and Debbie Harry weren't like everybody else and I strived to be cool and weird like them, not wanting to fit in. Cyndi and her contemporaries literally saved my life and I'm eternally grateful.

25 years later, Cyndi's message is more powerful than anyone would have ever imagined. Her True Colors Tour is in it's second year and bigger than ever. Her work for the Human Rights Campaign and her support for gay marriage is tireless and never ending. Cyndi is also regarded as an icon of modern feminism. She's still reinventing her sound as an artist (more on that later) and somehow remains relevant, puffy skirts and wacky hair notwithstanding. She continues to be honored by the music community as well as the gay community.

I can't be sure if Cyndi Lauper set out to provide hope to kids like me decades ago. And I don't know if she knows how important she is or if anybody else feels the same way. But, I do know this- if this was your intention Cyndi, then mission accomplished and thank you from the bottom of my big gay heart.

Super Gay Friday Music Day!

2008-05-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

Since I already posted a blog about Donna Summer, I decided to go titties to the wind and just do a super Gay edition of Friday Music Day! After all, June is Gay Pride month and yours truly is feeling all pink and fuzzy these days what with marriage finally being legal here in California.

What better way to get things started than a music video by NYC's The Dazzle Dancers? A club version of The Love Boat theme sung by what sounds like a German transsexual filled with glitter covered dancers is about the gayest thing I've ever seen. And this is coming from the guy who used to throw fashion shows for his My Little Ponies as a small child.

So are The Dazzle Dancers frightening or fabulous? Personally, I think it's a little of both but you decide!

Toot! Toot! Ah. Beep, Beep!

2008-05-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

After 17 years, Donna Summer, the queen of disco is back with her new album Crayons and you know what? It's not half bad. Sure, some of the tracks will magically transport you to gay bar happy hour filled with go-go dancers in banana hammocks and half priced vodka tonics but the woman is no dummy and she knows her audience.

Surprisingly, Donna does some more "urban" sounding tracks that are pretty good. The first single "Stamp Your Feet" is a bumping warm weather anthem which although not terribly original manages to sound modern and catchy. Her voice sounds still sounds amazing and that was always her secret weapon.

Sure, the name Donna Summer is synonymous with poppers and platform shoes but it's her voice that always set her apart. She cowrote most of new the record in addition to all of her previous songs, most of which were about prostitution. Seriously, her contributions to music are worth noting and if Crayons helps get her a little more respect than I say good for her.

Dear Carrie Underwood,

2008-05-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

First off, let me say I love you. I do. Your brand of country pop isn't exactly my cup of tea but you've got some killer pipes and you seem like a nice person which makes what I'm about to say all the more painful.

Last night's outfit on the American Idol finale was the last straw. I've put up with your never ending love of dressy shorts and sparkly tops because you're a country star and your fashion rules are different from the rest of us. But honey, forgetting your pants and draping yourself in Charmin Ultra Soft is where I draw the line. Less of a fashion statement and more of a cry for help, this ensemble actually made me sad.

It brings a tear to my I when I think of a star like yourself being unable to find the right homosexual to make these choices for you. I emphasize the word "right" because assuming that one is a style guru just based on their sexual preference is foolish. Just ask Paula Abdul, who surrounds herself with gays and still winds up looking like a cake topper at a quinceanera most of the time. A no-nonsense hip homo could have prevented this confounding stripper-meets-televangelist nightmare from ever happening.

Also, it concerns me that the people around you aren't being honest with you. Is there no one in your life to look you in the eye and say "No, Carrie. That's hideous"? Everyone, famous or not, requires an inner circle of confidants to tell us no on a regular basis. Without folks like this, how would we ever know if we had spinach in our teeth or if our jeans made us look fat? Carrie, I'd be that person for you, no questions asked. Just say the word and I'll tell you to not wear a side ponytail with a dress that looks like a doily. Not because I judge you but because I care.

In closing, I'd like to add that your not the only Idol in need of help, so don't feel bad. Poor Jordin Sparks looked like a Wurther's Original last night in her gold mumu and orange nail polish. And the less said about Fantasia's pink hair, the better. Even my beloved Kelly Clarkson has made some fashion belly flops.

Point is, Carrie your gorgeous and you deserve better. Leave the toilet paper at home next time, remember to put on your pants, and you always have the red carpets at the Grammys or a billion country awards shows to redeem yourself.

Love ya,

Peach

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

2008-05-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

Here's this weeks "Fav 5". Be warned it's a happy bunch of songs.

1.) "You, Me, & the Bourgeoisie", The Submarines- In the spirit of my new found optimism, this track is head-bopping ditty with great vocals and lyrics by one of my favorite neighborhood bands.

2.) "The LSB", Make Model- A rebellious song with a hook by one of the cutest bands going.

3.) "Right as Rain", Adele- The latest in a string of 60's sounding divas from Great Britain, Adele knocks it out of the park with this saucy, sassy song.

4.) "Who's Gonna Sing", The Prototypes- How this super-fun French group escaped me back in 2006, I'll never know. But I'm thrilled I found this booty-shaking number. Listen for the fierce way she says "banjo". Priceless.

5.) "As Long As It's Not You", Astrid Swan- In need of some cynicism and bitterness, this deceptively catchy song did the trick nicely. Plus, the video is way clever!

No Country for Old Gay Men?

2008-05-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

As a little kid, I spent my hours in the backseat of the family van listening to 8 track tapes of George Jones, Merle Haggard, and Marty Robbins. It was Colorado in the 1970's, so it was pretty much the law. My sister and I bitched and moaned about it but we didn't have a choice so we began to learn and even sort of enjoy those songs. To this day, I can't remember if that van even had seat belts but you know I can remember all the lyrics to "Mama Tried" and "When Country Wasn't Cool". Other than an obsession with Dolly Parton and a love for Patsy Cline, those days were the extent of my country music education.

In an effort to extend my knowledge of the genre, I decided to listen to Billboard's Hot Country Singles.

Here's what I came up with:

Country was little shinier the last time I paid attention to it. Pretty people like Faith Hill and Shania Twain whose videos looked like perfume commercials were all the rage. Now it's cool again to be a little heavy set and not very attractive, well as long as your a man like James Otto who's "Just Got Started Loving You" is currently number 1. And the music is a little more basic too, shedding the gloss in favor of the old country sounds and subject matter. Honestly, I was expecting to hate a lot more than I did but it wasn't terrible. It's kind of bluesy without getting all Black Crows. The video is pretty ridiculous as it perpetuates the myth that fat white guys who look like Meatloaf can land a supermodel but all in all it's not too bad.

Further proving that today's country music is very much a man's world, is "I'm Still A Guy" by Brad Paisely at number 2. A tongue-in-cheek ode to masculinity, this song unabashedly exploits every country music cliche. Like "My eyebrows ain't plucked, there's a gun in my truck. Oh thank God, I'm still a guy". Given the fact that Paisley himself looks like a male model, the song could be interpreted as a "No really. I'm a badass even though I wore a sparkly shirt to the CMA's" defensive tactic. No matter he's hot and the song is destined to be a beer drinking classic for years to come. Personally, the lyrics were clever but I have trouble identifying with the "it rules to be a straight white dude" message.

Somebody in Nashville was really thinking when the went out searching for a cross between Avril Lavinge and Carrie Underwood. They hit the jackpot with Taylor Swift, the only woman in the top five with "Picture to Burn". Whoa. What a flaming pile of crap this song is! The ex-girlfriend scorned lyrics were done better in Underwood's "Before he Cheats" and the less said about her singing the better. Oh and her acting in the video is atrocious. This whole pre-packaged tween sensation thing has trickled over to country music and I fear the wrath of Tammy Wynette will envelope Nashville and suck the entire city into the depths of hell. Really. The song is that bad.

Elsewhere on the list was something with God in the title and something performed by a guys with blond highlights that I couldn't make it through so I assumed this little experiment of mine was pretty much over. But then I found "Love Don't Live Here" by Lady Antebellum. Sadly, it wasn't a ho-down version of the Rose Royce classic. From what I was able to gather from the video, this group is kind of like country's version of the Black Eyed Peas but without the scary ninja guy. The girl even has a Fergie-esque quality about her. The guys have hip hairstyles and perfectly trimmed beards. The song itself was pretty good. I don't know if I'd buy it but it did entice me to listen other songs by the group some of which I really enjoyed.

So what did I learn? Well, country is no different than anything else in American pop culture right now. It's energy has been zapped by consumerism and it's creativity is hanging on to a thread due to over-saturation. But sifting through the mainstream garbage is rewarding and the messages of country music are still relevant, regardless of how silly they may seem. Granted, I'm not uploading any of these tunes on my Ipod but I can appreciate them for what they are. Most of them, anyway. Yeah I'm talking to you, Taylor Swift.

It's Either Friday Music Day or the End of the World.

2008-05-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

Tornadoes, cyclones, earthquakes, Mel & Britney flying to Costa Rica together, and yours truly loving a Natasha Bedingfield song? What in the hell is going on?!?

Yes, it's true. I love Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful of Sunshine" and I'm not proud of myself. Previously, I've successfully avoided the singer and her uplifting "you go girl" type of anthems. In fact, "Unwritten" was one of those songs that was meant to be inspiring but the only thing it ever inspired me to do was bash my head up against a wall every time I heard it. And the freaking song would not go away! Just when you thought it was safe to take a leisurely stroll down the aisles of your local Rite-Aid, the darn song would seep out of the speakers like some oozing sore and ruin your whole experience. Nearly three years later, the plunking opening chords can still make me run for the hills.

And yet here I am addicted to her new single. I've given in to it and it's sort of freeing, I suppose. So I like an unapologetic, upbeat pop song. So what? It's got a great hook and it's perfect for warm weather.

I'm sure when it's being used on a douche commercial six months from now, I'll regret ever admitting to loving it. But for right now, I'll take comfort in it and all of it's sunny optimism. After all, the world is a pretty screwed up place right and we should all take the time to enjoy the silly little things around us that make us happy.

Regardless of how shameful they are.

Happy Friday!

Everybody Else's Genius

2008-05-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

High on a mountaintop of empty coffee cups and advanced copies of the latest Death Cab release, jaded music critics sit and wait for the next musical act to anoint “Genius of the Moment”. It's usually an "alternative" artist or group who causes such collective drooling that they stay "alternative" for about another 30 seconds. In other words, today’s Dangermouse was yesterday’s Radiohead and the day before that’s Patti Smith.

I’m always suspicious of such fanfare for several reasons. First off, time has proven when everybody loves somebody, I’m naturally put off. After all, the entire world thinks they’re amazing and in general, I just don’t trust what the entire world says. Secondly, by the time any artist has been zeroed in on by critics they usually already have a loyal following so the “critics darling” title always feels a little redundant. Mary J Blige is a good example of this. It took her having a drug problem to make the world stop and realize that she was a true musical icon even though her longtime fans recognized this with records like the brilliant My Life years ago. But my main problem with coronations such as these is ,that more often than not, they are awarded to artists I simply don’t get.

Take Radiohead for example. I think “Creep” is a classic and I was able to sink my teeth into Kid A but beyond that, I’m left feeling “Meh?”. Am I an idiot because I don’t run wild in the streets every time that Thom Yorke and company step into the studio? Maybe and I’m okay with that. In the end, I’d rather be a simpleton than listen to obtuse albums that drip with pretension and consist of little else.
Neil Young is another one who’s appeal utterly escapes me. Everybody from Emmylou Harris to Eddie Vedder and beyond have cited Young as one of the best singer/songwriters in American music so I feel like I should like him. Honestly, I even feel bad that I don’t like him but I just don’t. The weird Muppet-like vocals and dour arrangements are truly off putting to me. As a serious music fan, it troubles me that I’m clearly missing something where Young is concerned but do I feel compelled to dive face first into his entire back catalogue in hopes of enlightenment? No, not so much. While I’m coming out of the musical moron closet here, I might as well go for broke and mention that I also do not understand the never-ending adoration of Pink Floyd, The Who, Green Day, Tom Waits, Arcade Fire, Lucinda Williams or The Velvet Underground. If you’ve gasped and thrown your laptop out of sheer horror at this statement, I apologize. And if said statement renders me a fool who knows nothing about music in your eyes, then so be it.

On the bright side, I don’t really think these artist care if little old me doesn’t get their particular brand of genius. Everybody else already loves them so I’m sure they’ll survive if I don’t purchase their next album. After all, I’m just a guy who thinks Bjork’s Vespertine was a monumental record. And few people care that I believe that Tasty by Kelis is far better than anything that Justin Timberlake or Beyonce has ever produced. Obviously, I have let go of any dreams of being one of the chosen who gets to take their place on Music Snob Mountain. That being said, I'll take the free coffee and CDs if you're handing them out.

Where's Her Fucking Biopic?

2008-05-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

If you only watched movies and never listened to music, then you would honestly believe that Tina Turner, Patsy Cline, June Carter Cash, Billie Holiday, and Loretta Lynne were the only female artists to ever exist in popular music. That's a bit of an exaggeration, true but it's not too far off from the reality. And no, Made-For-TV movies about Karen Carpenter and Dottie West do not count, so don't even go there. And while your at it save your "What about The Rose?" rebuttal for someone doesn't know that the brilliant Bette Midler film was only loosely based on Janis Joplin's life and not an actual biopic.

So why the lack of love for the lives of women in music? It's not as if there's a shortage of material to draw from. Films about Stevie Nicks, Nina Simone, Tammy Wynette, or Ella Fitzgerald could be at least as interesting as those about Ray Charles or Buddy Holly. Proposed movies about The Go-Gos, Sarah Vaughn, and Aretha Franklin have never seen the light of day but I think it's high time to get the ball rolling.

In my mind, the life story of Pretenders lead singer Chrissie Hynde would be the perfect place to start. Think of the plot: Small town Ohio girl moves to London, works at Vivenne Westwood and Malcolm McLaren's clothing store SEX with members of punk bands like The Sex Pistols, starts her own band, has a daughter with Kinks lead singer Ray Davies, tops the charts even though a few of her bandmates die, marries Simple Minds' front man Jim Kerr, starts shit as an animal rights activist, and moves to Brazil to find herself! Hynde's perseverance and unlikely hero status are the things great biographical films are made of. Chrissie herself has said her lyrics really tell the story of her life, so the movie could be packed with awesome Pretenders songs. Hell, it could even be a musical! I think Talk of the Town or Precious would make great titles. Brilliant, right?

There you go Hollywood. Make it happen and your welcome, by the way. When your finished with that, call me. I have a fabulous idea for a Wendy O. Williams film but don't even think about asking for my Grace Jones pitch. I'm afraid you'd really screw that up.

This Place is SO Never Again. Or is it?

2008-05-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

Donna Martin may have graduated but it turns out that Kelly Taylor never left West Beverly High.

I just read this morning that Jennie Garth has singed on to do the CW's Beverly Hills 90210 spinoff reprising her role as Kelly Taylor who's now a guidance counselor at her old high school. Sounds pretty terrible right?

Listen, I'm no hater of the original. In fact, I referenced the infamous rave episode on our way to a downtown nightclub just last night. And I was a fan of Garth's back in the day. I even went to a signing of her workout tape at a Wal-Mart in Colorado, an event so shameful and tragic that few close to me even know of it's existence. I've seen nearly every episode of 90210 and a few of them are classics in my opinion. But a new version seems a little Peach Pitiful, if you ask me.

The CW already has a hot teen show in the brilliantly campy Gossip Girl so another high school drama seems a little pointless. And I'm worried that without the presence of Aaron Spelling, the show just won't have that same "gotta watch it" quality that only he could master. It's also worrisome that Rob Thomas, of Veronica Mars fame and writer of the new pilot has been replaced. Add to it the casting of Lori Laughlin and the weak premise and you've got yourself one big "9021-0h-Hell-No".

I'm not too thrilled about Kelly as a guidance counselor either. I never really bought "nice Kelly". I always preferred the original bitchy version who never met a hot guy or velvet choker that she didn't like. Andrea Zuckerman would have been better suited for the job but I suppose she's retired by now and her hips wouldn't hold up during the strenuous shooting schedule.

All of my bitching aside, I'm sure I'll end up watching it out of curiosity. If it's fabulous then I'll be pleasantly surprised. If it sucks, then I'll have something to snicker at. Now if I could be guaranteed cameos by Kari Wuhrer and Cathy Dennis, I'd be on board faster than you can say

"Mrs. Teasley"!

Happy Birthday, Tootie!

2008-05-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy entertaining my gal pal Vanessa who's here in LA celebrating her birthday, that I nearly forgot another important birthday. Kim Fields of Facts of Life fame turns 39 today. Yup, little Tootie is almost 40!

To celebrate, I was watching some of Kim's finer clips on YouTube and let me tell you they did not disappoint.

First up, was a couple of songs. Who knew in addition to being a roller skating actress, Kim Fields was also an accomplished singer? "Dear Michael" is a syrupy ballad written about Michael Jackson and it's cute in a very 1983 kind of way. But the real gem here is "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not". It's about 4 minutes to long and definitely overstays it's welcome. Still, it has "guilty pleasure" written all over it and definitely worth the listen.

Next, I enjoyed some vintage Facts of Life clips. It's been a long time since I've seen this show and unlike Kim herself ,it did not age well. It's so melodramatic and the acting is hilarious. My favorite has to be this little nugget of goodness where Tootie and Natalie buy a bag full of bongs! It is so funny on so many levels. I totally forgot that the acting stylings of Charlotte Rae (Mrs. Garrett) were such a treasure to behold. The woman is completely over-the-top and seems like she's always on the brink of a mental meltdown (Example: Watch for the way she says the girl's name "Tumpy"). Oh and that writing! It's sheer genius. The kids are cute though and they deliver their lines sufficiently, in a very PSA meets school play kind of way. Plus, Kim looks adorable.

Finally, I suffered through some tedious Living Single clips which showcased Kim's comedic ability but seriously had me wishing for my own bag full of bongs. Luckily, I found a performance from the Def Poetry Jam that was a tad more inspirational. True, Jill Scott has nothing to worry about but Ms. Fields does a good job and it's nice to see that she's still working.

In closing, I'd just like to say Happy Birthday to Kim and Vanessa and all of my other strong, Taurus sisters out there. You kids definitely make my life more entertaining.

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

2008-05-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

Once again, here's a little list of songs that I heart.

1.)"Black Cat", Ladytron- A dark, industiral flavored new single from the band that never stops amazing me. Also amazing- you can get it for free on their website!

2.)"Carnies", Martina Topley-Bird- So nice to have her back since I played her first album into the ground. "Carnies" is a fun little taste of new things to come.

3.)"We Won't Break", Zoot Woman- Another act whose presence has been missed, Zoot Woman comes back with a vengence with this dancey and defiant track.

4.) "Kittin is High", Miss Kittin- More sexy, tongue in cheek dance music from the first lady of electro! It's a must for mixed tapes and tranny dance-offs alike.

5.) "Working Class Hero", Cyndi Lauper- This John Lennon cover isn't exactly Marianne Faithful. But Cyndi kills it, as usual and she looks awesome!

Enjoy your weekend!

For the Birds

2008-05-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm an animal lover but I just don't get birds. I don't. Sure they're beautiful when they fly and they're used to symbolize everything from God to automobiles. Whatever. They still kind of freak me out. I mean they have these weird beady eyes and they're always moving around like some meth addict looking for a VCR to reassemble. And being surrounded by birds is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. Like when I was eating coffee cake and reading the paper downtown LA Starbucks a few years ago and I looked up and my table was filled with dozens of tiny little birds just staring at me. Eww. I shrieked like a girl and nearly scalded my crouch with hot coffee.

So songs about birds are even more baffling to me. For every one decent ditty about the winged creatures, there are like 40 really horrible ones. These songs inevitably feature rhymes about "fly,sky, high, cry, eye" and are usually meant to be uplifting. Instead they just end up sounding stupid or really campy.

Take for example, Like a Bird by Nelly Furtado . Please. Granted this song had it's moment in pop culture but have you heard it recently? Yeesh. It didn't age well and you realize that Furtado made a wise move by currently singing about "Promiscuous Girl's and the like. All this mumbo jumbo about not knowing where her home is and flying away would make anybody put on some booty shorts and hook-up with Timbaland.

Worse yet is "White Dove" by The Scorpions. Yes, those Scorpions. Lyrics like "white dove fly with the wind" are bad enough but the children's choir in the middle is totally unforgivable.Oh yeah and there's this "I Wanna Know What Love Is"-type of solo that comes out of nowhere. However, lead singer Klaus Meine's thick German accent still makes me chuckle.

The funniest song about birds, in my book, has to be "Fly, Robin, Fly" by the Silver Convention. This repetitive disco jam is just goofy. Other than "up, up, up to the sky!" it consists solely of repeating the title and a porno baseline. I've often thought about performing this in karaoke just to drive people nuts but as you can tell from the video, I could never live up to such a riveting performance.

Another winged guilty pleasure is Anne Murray's "Snowbird". Sounding like the bastard child of a Christmas song and something they'd play on a log ride, "Snowbird" was a dentist's office staple back in the day. And this dusty, chestnut just gets cornier with time. I'm not really sure if she's talking to an actual bird or using it as a metaphor but whatever the hell it is, it sure is funny!

Leave it to ABBA to knock out the competition with "Eagle". There's all the Swedish sugar you'd expect from an ABBA jam plus it contains 40% more cliches than the other songs about birds! Not only do the ESL lyricists meet the requisite "fly, high, sky" quota but they manage to incorporate other aspects of nature like "Over mountains and forests and seas

and to go anywhere that I please."Nicely done, Benny & Bjorn but you're not the worst.

No, that honor goes to James Taylor and Carly Simon's "Mockingbird". This is the rare type of duet that really makes the listener wish they could have ears ripped off by a crazed seagull. Truthfully, this song could end up on other lists like "worst songs by white people pretending to have soul" or "worst songs by couples who've since divorced. But I think it's also the worst bird song ever. Much like that fine feathered friend who sits outside your window and squawks endlessly, "Mockingbird" seems to go on forever and it's might make you crazy. I've had to hear it three times while writing this and I'm about to lose my shit.

I'm sure there's dozens more but all this bird talk is starting to wig me out. I mean, what if one them reads this, rallies the troops and wants more than just coffee cake this time?

And I thought James Taylor's moustache was scary!

It's Friday Music Day, Bitch!

2008-05-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

It's Music Day here at Bruised Peaches. Sorry I've been a tad buried this week. You know- life, work, guest coming in from out of town, and other mundane tasks to boring to even discuss.

So to get the party started, I invite you to listen to this excellent Rick James track. After all, nothing kicks off your weekend like a spicy funk jam by a man who once burned a woman with his crack pipe. Seriously though, this song is far superior to some of his more well know hits and deserves new life. I'm not the only one to think this apparently, as Shivaree covered it on her last album. It's so easy to remember the crazy things about Rick James (like this lovely picture, which I'm sorry about by the way) that I often forget that he was an amazing producer and purveyor of infectious funk. His albums, in addition to the stellar work he did for Teena Marie and the Mary Jane Girls dominated R&B in the early 80's and he's since been copied by nearly every producer under the sun.

So Rick, I raise my glass (pipe?) and salute you!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

2008-05-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Cinco De Mayo, kids! In celebration, I thought I'd share some of my favorite videos that are muy caliente!

1.) "Love Will Keep Us Together", Charo- Uhm. What is there to say really except this is one of the hottest yet silliest covers in musical history! Makes me wish I had the entire special, though.

2.) "Karma Chameleon" en Espanol- And this might be the second silliest. Swig back another margarita and enjoy.

3.) "Office Boy", Bonde Do Role- This spicy Brazilian group delivers another rocking party tune perfect for your fiesta.

4.)Funny Lady on Cinco de Mayo- Ever wonder what your old volleyball coach looks like wasted dancing? Wonder no more. What makes it even cheesier is the fact that she knows how "hilarious" she is.

5.) "Van Nuys(Es Very Nice), Los Abandoned- An awesome track that's a few years old but still damn catchy. Her eyeshadow and the dance team are just added bonuses!

Rest In Peace, Men in Trees.

2008-05-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

It was bound to happen. After being moved around ABC's schedule like a billion times and generally treated like a bastard at a family reunion, Men in Trees has been cancelled. I'm pissed as I was a big fan of the show but I can't say I'm surprised. This is after all, the same network that gave Once and Again the axe, a move I'm still bitter about.

The past season wasn't it's finest but I really blame the quality decline on the network's inability to properly promote the show leaving the show directionless and scrambling for viewers. The main thing I'll cherish about Men in Trees is my reintroduction to Anne Heche, the actress. Aside from the being Ellen's crazy ex-girlfriend, Heche is one hell of an actress. Men in Trees gave Heche the opportunity to shine comically while giving her some of the best dramatic scenes of her career. Fragile, strong, funny, and heartbroken Heche made Marin Frist a true television heroine to root for. I'll miss her and I'll miss seeing such a performance every week.

At it's heart, Men in Trees was a show about finding yourself and finding your own family. While it wasn't always brimming over with original ideas, this message was always sincere and real. Jenny Bicks, the shows creator, and the stellar cast should be proud of making it's viewers (regardless of how few) feel like they too were part of the family. And that's no small feat.

Elmo, Alaska, we shall miss you.

It's Happened to Heidi

2008-05-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Remember when Heidi Klum was just another cold German supermodel who just showed up looked curvy and that was the end of it? Remember when Heidi would be pleasant on Project Runway without pushing her own agenda?

Well times have changed, honey. She's recording an album now. She has her own jewelry line. And as announced last week, she'll be moving Project Runway to LA(?!?) to accomodate her busy career and family life, which is HUGE mistake if you ask me because Project Runway without Bryant Park is like a cheeseburger without french fries! Not to mention the fact that LA, while it's many wonderful things, is NOT a fashion capital. Never will be.

The bigger issue here is the Tyra-fication of Heidi. I mean can't you just host a reality show and be a model? Isn't that enough? Is an album really necessary? I'm all for turning yourself into a brand but what if it's a brand that nobody really wants to buy? I love Heidi and wish I could help her but it's too late. Once you've crossed over to the Celebrity Mogul Dark Side, it's impossible to come back. Personally, I think it's okay to just be an actor or just be a model without producing a line of fragrances or bath towels. Call me crazy.

Oh well. Good for her, I guess, but I can't help wondering if Linda Evangelista is out there somewhere smoking and shaking her head in disgust.

Of Cyrus & Shields

2008-05-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

By the time Brooke Shields was Miley Cyrus’ age, she had already played a child growing up in a whorehouse, appeared topless in Calvin Klein ads, and frolicked in the nude in The Blue Lagoon. So it boggles my mind that 30 years later we even care about Hannah Montana being wrapped in a sheet. True, it was the late 1970's when Brooke hit it big and the mindset regarding sexuality was pretty much one of "Who cares? Give me another bump of coke and turn that Sister Sledge record up!"Still, I can't help wondering if our uptight attitude regarding nudity hasn't set us back and that the real issue here is more sinister than we'd like to believe.

My issue of Vanity Fair arrived in my mailbox over the weekend and naturally I flipped to the pages with the infamous photos. Honestly, they are so not a big deal and I think Cyrus looks pretty for once,with all of her mall-rat glitter makeup and acid wash skirts stripped away. Moreover, the pictures are not in poor taste and are tastefully done.

Still people are upset because they think these photos make this child look like a whore. Well, to paraphrase Cristal Connors from Showgirls “She is a whore, darling. We’re all whores.” The Cyrus family drained the “Achy Breaky” bank account years ago and found a gold mine in their daughter. People do what they have to do to pay the bills and in celebrity land photo shoots for magazines are just another means to an end. So I ain’t mad at them. The apologies piss me off, though. Even rednecks like the Cyrus clan have seen an Annie Leibovitz photo before so I’m not buying this whole “we didn’t know no better” b.s. They should have had the balls to either stick by the pictures or scrap the shoot in the first place. Instead, a fifteen year old is left taking a bullet for a decision that wasn't hers to make in the first place.

More offensive than the photos, in my mind, is allowing your child to take part in an insipidly written franchise that unabashedly dumbs down it’s audience. At least Pretty Baby was directed by Louis Malle and starred Susan Sarandon. My nieces love Hannah Montana but truly it’s because there are no other options for young girls. Boys get to follow the adventures of a wizard and girls are left watching a tween in a bad wig sing lame pop songs? Hardly seems fair. But at the risk of sounding like the love child of Ed Anger and Naomi Wolf, I’ll leave that alone.

Bubbling underneath all of this, is our society's neverending enjoyment of dragging young women through the dirt. The article, and yes there is one, that accompanies the photos states that the tabloids have now started gunning for Cyrus. Personally, my paranoid ass believes the media wants us to obsess over things like Paris going to jail so we don’t stop and actually realize how messed up the country is. It’s like “Hey I was just looking at pictures of Britney’s cooter coming out of a limousine for six months and now all of the sudden we’re in a recession? What the Hell?” Also, I find it suspicious that it’s always female celebrities offered up to the public for slaughter. Other than Officer Sugartits herself, nobody even remembers what Mel Gibson did but if Lindsay Lohan runs into a tree, we demand that she be publicly beheaded and that she never work again. But like I said I’m paranoid.

Brooke Shields has been a successful actress, written a bestselling book, and even won a battle with Tom Cruise so I'm not worried about Miley Cyrus. She'll be fine. If pop culture has taught us anything it's that everybody loves a survivor and I'm sure she'll be crying on Oprah's couch soon enough. In the meantime while we wait for her to screw up again, there's always the Spears sisters, Paris and Amy Winehouse.

The Importance of Being Bozzio.

2008-05-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

When it comes to 80's female musical icons, Missing Persons lead singer Dale Bozzio seems to get the short end of the stick.

Debbie Harry, is rightfully remembered as the Godmother of the punk and New Wave movement. Cyndi Lauper is remembered for being a unique voice of feminism whose signature style made her an international superstar. Madonna is remembered for being, well, Madonna. Other than being a former Playboy model with BombPop colored hair, Bozzio is rarely remembered at all, which I think is a shame.

Sure she didn't reinvent the wheel but her contributions are worth noticing.

Before her plastic bikini days, Dale performed with Frank Zappa and even appears on Joe's Garage, his now classic rock opera. She cowrote some of Missing Persons best songs like "Destination Unknown","Tears" and " I Like Boys". But it's Dale's unforgettable look and quirky vocals that continue to be copied by current artists. Take Gwen Stefani, for example, who clearly found both a personal vocal and style icon in Dale Bozzio. Other artists like Sweden's The Sounds have tweaked The Missing Persons formula to sound fresh. And most recently, Ashlee Simpson shamelessly aped Bozzio on tracks from her new album.

Not just an influence, I'd go as far as to say that Bozio darn near created "Bimbo Electro" the genre that consists of a trampy blonde girl singing along to synthed out tracks.

About 10 years ago, I was working at an edgy clothing/record store here in LA and Dale stopped in to do some shopping. Her sons we're helping her pick out clothes for a club appearance. One of the boys approached her with a large, lacy Gothic dress and she replied in her thick East Coast accent "Oh no honey. I'm not Stevie Fricking Nicks. Put that back and find something sexy." No she's not Stevie Nicks and yeah she has to play smaller gigs these days and she can't pull off the plastic bikinis anymore.

But she is Dale Bozzio and somehow that's enough.

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

2008-05-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

1.) Modern World- Anouk: Disenchanted with the current state of the world? Then this is the anthem for you. Soulful yet cynical, play Modern World at maximum volume and you might just find yourself shouting "Amen, sister!

2.)Back of the Van- Ladyhawke: A hot rock track that would feel right at home in an 80's movie like Vision Quest yet still manages to sound current and fresh. Plus the Stevie Nicks-like video totally rules.

3.) Divine- Sebastien Tellier: I defy you not to feel happy while listening to this sunny little electro delight. Great for springtime walks around the neighborhood, "Divine" is precisely that.

4.)Strangers- Van She: Moody, layered and even danceable, "Strangers" is destined to be heard on commercials and movies. So get into it now before Apple steals it!

5.)The Journey Continues-Mark Brown Featuring Sarah Cracknell: Saint Etienne songstress Sarah Cracknell has one of those voices that feels like an old friend and it sounds positively radiant on this track. It's very 90's after-hours and I'm in love!

Crap. I Forgot to Get You a Card.

2008-04-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

It's a major holiday, kids and I feel horrible because I didn't get you anything.

Yes apparently, it's "Tyra Banks Show Day" as christened by New York's Mayor Bloomberg. Never one to congratulate herself, Tyra modestly announced this for millions of people on The View this morning. And I say good for her. I mean if Veterans and Martin Luther King can get their own holiday, shouldn't a show where the host goes undercover as a homeless person be rewarded the same thing?

Tyra does important work and I'm glad the city of New York has recognized this. I wonder- do Manhattan kids have the day off today? Is the DMV open?Is there a parade with Ms Jay and Benny Ninja twirling batons?

To celebrate, I'm going to wear a fat suit, wear a t-shirt with my real age, and have a heart to heart with a transgendered teenager. If you're a self-respecting American, I suggest you do the same.

The Today Show: Worse than You Remember!

2008-04-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

So you know that guy at the mall who works at one of those carts that sells back massagers? He's giving you the hard sell and being really persistent but just by looking in his eyes you can see that he knows this whole sales pitch is a steamy load of crap?

That's exactly how I felt watching George Bush's press conference this morning. He sort of chit-chatted with reporters in the White House garden but didn't really answer any questions. He was pleasant as usual and reinforced my theory if George Bush was just a manager at a Denny's who's only responsibility was making sure you received your "Moons Over My Hammy" then I'm sure we'd all think he was a really nice guy. He was kind of passionate about the war and gave his usual terrorism is bad, blah, blah, blah. But like the back massage guy, you could tell he knew it was a wasted sales pitch.

As a rule, I avoid George Bush and making jokes about him. I feel like what could I possibly add to a topic that's so obviously ridiculous and embarrassing that a billion corny t-shirts and late night talk show hosts haven't already said? I'd be better of telling dusty Polack or blond jokes because at least those aren't a reality. But I stumbled upon his speech while watching The Today Show.

I know. The Today Show? What am I? 80? Trust me. I'd rather be asleep but due to one Dr Pepper too many during last night's Dancing with the Stars, my sleep was erratic. After several hours of thrashing about like Reagan from The Exorcist, I gave up the dream and got out of bed. With my eyes half open, I jaunted to Starbucks with the dog and before I knew it I was hanging out with Matt Lauer, Al Roker, and George Bush. Yeesh. Not a great television option but since I'm fresh out of meth, I couldn't possibly handle Live with Regis and Kelly or God forbid Rachael Ray-tard. Also, I couldn't be bothered to look through my 9,000 channels to find anything else.

Nothing on Today has really changed. Meredith Viera still scares me, the news is still vapid and depressing, and the format is unoffensive, if uninspired. The only thing that has changed is how many damn people host the show! Seriously, in addition to Matt, Al, Meredith, and Ann Currie there's some random brunette, a lady named Hoda or Koda or Yoda and even Kathie Lee Gifford! It's confusing. I kept wondering "who the hell is that and where did she come from?' Oh yeah and now it's on for like fourteen hours. In fact, it's still going as I write this. It's turned into the Super Target of morning shows. Makes me almost miss Bryant Gumble and Jane Pauley. Almost.

Features included what to do if your child is posing nude on the internet, Matt Lauer at Ann Franks house, and poor Christine Baranski looking like she wanted to kill her agent. But hands down the worst thing I witnessed was Al Roker wearing a Horton Hears a Whoo mask and screaming. Thanks, NBC. Now, I'll never get back to sleep.

Dana Delany Amazing?!? Desperate Housewives Good Again? Who Knew?

2008-04-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was her late eighties WASP girl next door persona or her forgettable films (Exit to Eden, anyone?) but I was never really a fan of Dana Delany. I had always filed her in the Janine Turner Box of Has-Been Actresses and simply forgotten about her.

Well, Ms. Delany. I apologize. Her work on this season of Desperate Housewives has made me a believer. Her subtle, icy agony as the homemaker from hell, Katherine Mayfair has injected Wisteria Lane with new life. Funny, devious, and tortured Mayfair is the kind of character you love to hate and her portrayer clearly relishes her every nuance. Her storyline is intriguing but it's her brilliant performances that have kept me coming back. Delany knocks every scene out of the park and I couldn't be more happy to have been wrong about her. Janine Turner, there's hope for you yet!

Delany is just one of the delights to be found this season on Desperate Housewives. As a faithful viewer since the amazing first season, I've suffered through the silly plotlines and groan inducing twists of the past two seasons because I always knew it could be as good as it once was. And this season has not disappointed! The writing is once again crisp, funny, and fresh without forsaking the shows signature jaw-dropping surprises.

The rest of the cast seems to have also upped their game, particularly Eva Longoria-Parker who week after week delivers the most quotable zingers of the episode while adding real depth to a character who is so deliciously shallow. Marcia Cross has found a good comedic partner with Kyle Maclaclan and it's fun to see her Bree do more clowning and less hand-wringing. Teri Hatcher must be relived since she hasn't had to fall and make a complete ass out of herself this season and I'm relieved too! It's been a treat to watch her do more subtle work for a change. Nicolette Sheridan is still tragically underused and Felicity Huffman still slums it in sub-par plots but I'm nitpicking.

Desperate Housewives has regained it's status as television's number one frothy, fun Sunday night cocktail. So return to Wisteria Lane if you've strayed because, like myself, you might just be surprised.

A Piece of Cake? I think not.

2008-04-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take a moment to challenge whomever equated the term "cakewalk" with being "extremely easy". Because I took part in two cakewalks yesterday and got my ass spanked!

True, it was all in the name of charity (my friends are raising money for the AIDS marathon in San Francisco this August), but I was a little ticked off that I wasn't the first winner. To make matters worse, I went back confident that I would be victorious and again ended up with zilch!

I was shocked. I mean something competitive that involved bake goods seemed like something I could win in my sleep. And I was a former cakewalk winner back in second grade, thank you very much.

Well either my triumph at Saint Philomena's back in 1981 was a complete fluke or my cakewalking skills are a in need of a tune up. Still, I was up against some fierce competition. The first round, I was whooped by a delicate, little lady who seemed like she'd be easy to knock out of the game. That's what I get for underestimating the prowess of a skinny girl in need of sweets. The second round was more pathetic. I was the second person eliminated while people who'd been drinking all day in the sun battled it out over the cake that I assumed would be mine.

A pot smoking guy in a floppy Indiana Jones hat with a green feather approached me afterwards and said "I was rooting for you, man". That made me feel better until I realized this was the same guy who earlier was banging on a wood box keeping time with Stevie Wonder's "Superstition".

Still, I helped out a good cause, had a delicious burger in a strangers backyard, and even ended up with my own cake. Okay, it was a default cake and the only store bought one but it's cake nonetheless. I plan on digging into it this evening while I watch a new episode of Gossip Girl.

Sweet!

My Hard Candy Review from Blogcritcs.org

2008-04-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

In 1983, at age 11, I saved up the appropriate funds earned from doing chores around the house to buy Madonna’s self-titled debut record. When I had first heard “Holiday” on the radio that previous summer, I was entranced. It sounded a little like the disco my aunts and uncles used to listen to and a little like the R&B songs that were popular at the time but overall it was dripping with a confidence and personality I had never heard before.

25 years later, I’m still a fan and throughout her career Madonna has continued to produce pop songs that entered uncharted territory. Snobbishly, Madonna has produced hit singles that go against the grain, popular opinion be damned. That’s exactly why her latest release, Hard Candy, is a puzzling collection of songs that shockingly plays it safe. Producers and collaborators like Pharrell, Timbaland, and Justin Timberlake are pros at churning out ditties that are annoyingly catchy and light on lyrical content so it’s no surprise the results for Madonna are the same as they have been for Missy Elliot, Gwen Stefani, and Ashlee Simpson. And that’s not always a good thing.

First the bad news. The opening track “Candy Shop” is a springy, albeit trite, track tricked out with vocal layering, dated sexual innuendo(“My sugar is sweet”), and the requisite thumping drum machine beats. It’s sugary for sure but like a cheap butterscotch, it’s sucked on and then quickly forgotten. “Spanish Lesson”, “Incredible”, and “The Beat Goes On” will serve their purpose on tredclimbers around the globe but a closer listen is not recommended as the weak lyrics and cliched production value might very well drive you insane. Album closer “Voices” seems to be directly lifted from the Erotica recycling bin right down to the S&M references and tired 90’s house-beat. Even a hardcore fan like myself can acknowledge the fact nearly every Madonna record has a few songs that might have been better left on the cutting room floor but never have the missteps been so glaring obvious as they are on Hard Candy.

Now for the good news. “Four Minutes” is a great lead single, although heavier on the Timberlake than I would prefer, that manages to get stuck in your head.If the case of Hard Candy is to prove that Madonna can still keep up with the youngsters on the radio then “Four Minutes” is great supporting evidence. “Give it Me”, the purposed second single is another catchy bouncy treat, if not terribly original. “She’s Not Me” is a disco fidelity epic that would do her Like A Virgin producer and Chic frontman Nile Rodgers very proud. Dripping with handclaps, dramatic violins, and funky guitar riffs, the song is at once defiant and danceable. “Miles Away”, the best song on the record lyrically, profiles a strained relationship hurt by distance. ”Heartbeat” is a classic Madonna get-on-the-dancefloor track. She generally seems to be having fun as she whispers “see my booty get down” and it’s infectious. “Dance 2 Nite” is another floor-filler with Justin Timberlake that’s thankfully more “Into the Groove” and less “SexyBack”. Speaking of JT, slipped in towards the end of the album is “Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You” is another collaboration that recalls his “What Goes Around(Comes Around). It’s the closest thing Hard Candy has to a ballad and it’s a damn fine one.

So the bottom line is this- Hard Candy is at once an overcooked record with too many uninspired chefs in the kitchen and an addictive piece of ear-candy handmade for the headphones. Filled with triumphs, frustrations,contradictions, risks, and vanities, it’s pure Madonna, like it or not. And if you’re not crazy about this incarnation, stick around. 25 years listening to Madonna have taught me to never expect the same thing twice and Hard Candy proves she far from finished evolving.

(Originally published at blogcritics.org on April 26th, 2008)

Goldfrapp or Goldcrapp? It's a close call.

2008-04-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, one of my closest gal pals sent me an enraged text message regarding a KCRW interview with Alison Goldfrapp. Since this person and I usually agree on such matters, I had to watch the video for myself. And once again my friend was right.

As I've seen in past interviews, the singer once again comes off as a pretentious, affected jerk. Poor Nic Harcourt seems to be grasping for anything that resembles personality or warmth from the interview and regrettably it's nowhere to be found. True, she is suffering from a cold but she also appears to be suffering from bitch-itis as well.

Unsavory personality aside, I've always admired Goldfrapp's music and artistic moxie. It drips unapologetically with art-school pomp while delivering some very memorable songs. So I've been able to overlook the snotty behavior because the actual work was darn good. Until now, that is.

Their latest record, Seventh Tree, is a minimal, airy affair that aims to be a masterpiece but falls tragically short. Long gone are the glam-rock guitars and pulsating beats from Supernature. Floating acoustic instruments are used instead and Miss Goldfrapp's lyrics are front and center. And that's the heart of this record's problem.

Simplistic and at times just plain dumb, Goldfrapp's shortcomings as a writer have never been so obvious. If you're going to strip away the glitz and pounding basslines, you better have the balls lyrically to back it up. And you lady are no Bjork or Emilianna Torrini. Lacking any emotional center, the only message Goldfrapp seems to be conveying on Seventh Tree is "Aren't we brilliant and clever?"

Another issue with the record is that of originality. The public was willing to overlook Supernature's obvious T-Rex influence because it was loud, catchy, and easy to shake your ass to. But swiping direct moves from the Kate Bush Playbook while yielding such ho-hum results is darn near unforgivable.

And yet, Seventh Tree has glimpses of pure genius in songs like "Happiness" and "A&E". They're so good it makes you wish the duo would have scrapped the other tracks and went back to the drawing board.

So how do you solve a problem like Alison Goldfrapp? Well, avoiding interviews with her is a good place to start. Blaring The Hounds of Love in an act of defiance might be a wise move as well. Still, I think I need to temporarily break-up with Goldfrapp to get the icky taste out of my mouth.

Another friend of mine often reminds me to separate the art from the artist, in order to be objective. But in this case, as both the art and the artist are utterly infuriating, it's a hard task to complete.

Wow! Anita Baker has Really Let Herself Go.

2008-04-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

So I was searching for a picture of R&B songstress Anita Baker(because isn't that what everyone does on a Saturday morning?) and I came across this photo.

Not to worry, though. The Grammy Award winning singer has not taken part in a weird body morphing scientific experiment. Some wacky Canadians who run a sheep farm just decided to pay homage to Baker by naming this little fluff ball after her. Turns out they have a whole stable full of stars.

Trust me. You really don't want to see Lou Rawls or Gladys Knight.

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

2008-04-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

Besides the hot Annie Track I mentioned earlier, here's my fav five of the week:

1.) Vanished- Crystal Castles: Haunting, electro-new wave that I can't get out of my head!

2.) Best Revenge- Fishcherspooner: I've had this for awhile but I'm still listening to it constantly.

3.) Rock With U- Janet Jackson: Hands down her best song in almost a decade.

4.) Lights and Music- Cut Copy: Why this song isn't a huge hit, I have no freakin' idea.

5.) Boys- Ashlee Simpson: Yeah, I know. She's a tool and this songs a Gwen Stefani rip-off but holy fuck it's catchy and I kinda love it!

Enjoy your weekend!

Peach

Memories of Coachella Past!

2008-04-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

This weekend marks the annual Coachella music festival here in Southern California and this years lineup is killer as usual. Prince, Portishead, Rilo Kiley, M.I.A., Justice, and dozens of others will be sweating out their hits on a polo field in the middle of nowhere. Umm. No thanks.

Don't get we wrong, I had a blast when I went in 2006 and saw tons of amazing performances (Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, Cat Power, Imogen Heap, Sleeter Kinney, Los Amigos Invisibles, and some chick named Madonna). I'm just a little long in the tooth to be hoofing it in the desert with 40,000 of my closest friends. I'm not delusional about this and I know my current limitations.My tolerance for drunk girls in tube tops and crowds of sweaty teenagers is nearly non-existent. And I'm not that great in the sun for long periods of time and then of course there's that whole "I really don't like people very much" thing. Plus, I always promised myself I wouldn't turn into that music fan who overstayed their welcome. In short, I never wanted to be the weird old dude in the club and I think I've accomplished that goal.

It's not to say that I still don't love live shows and don't have fond memories of Coachella. Like how could I ever forget this group of blond, tanned Cougar-type ladies in belted white shorts and gold flats holding frozen margaritas and getting down to Kayne West? Classic. Another good moment happened when this tiny Lindsay Lohan(Freaky Friday era, not rehab era) look-alike passed me a joint rolled in pink paper while watching Bloc Party.

But hands down the best Coachella moment happened before Madonna performed. A drunk, bitchy gay boy in a tank top was growing impatient waiting for her to take the stage. So to pass the time he complained very loudly and made some of the worst one-liners I had ever heard. He bitched and moaned for nearly a half an hour and the nearby cramped festival goers started to lose their patience. Suddenly, from seemingly out of nowhere, his overweight gal pal who was standing behind him didn't look so good. She was sweaty and looked like she had a hard time standing up. As I turned the opposite direction, I heard a thud! Both bitchy boy and his friend had fallen over. Amid laughter, gasps, and a couple of "Are you guys okay?"s, the drunk duo got up and slumped out of sight. Not only was the complaining over but there was suddenly more room to stand! Fabulous.

So Coachella-goers, I salute you. As for me, I'll be listening to Cut Copy from the safety of my couch and happy to not be picking sand out of my crack.

Scar-Jo sings?

2008-04-25T12:43:00.000-07:00

I have a love hate thing with Scarlett Johansson. Loved her in Lost in Translation. Hate her in nearly everything else.

So color me surprised when I heard her new song "Falling Down". It's a Tom Waits cover as is everything else on her new album Anywhere I Lay My Head. It's pretty darn good. She's doing a Cat Power/Marianne Faithful thing that's not entirely authentic but it doesn't totally suck. She had some pretty decent helping hands on the project like David Muthafucking Bowie, Nick Zinner from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and David Sitek of TV on the Radio fame. With that talent, I'm very curious to listen to the whole record.

Still, I'm a tad trepidatious. I'm still traumatized by having to sit through The Island in theaters and musical offerings by fellow actors like Minnie Driver and Brittany Murphy don't inspire much confidence.

Annie is A Goddess!

2008-04-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

Friday is music day here at Bruised Peaches and my favorite song of the moment is "I know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me" by Annie. Sassy, catchy, and totally summer!

Check it out here!

Ideas For J-Lo's New Reality Show?

2008-04-24T12:48:00.001-07:00

So I guess Jennifer Lopez won't be filming Angel Eyes 2 anytime soon. I read here that she's filming a reality show for TLC that chronicles her day to day life. Yawn. How many more of these "celebrities live fabulous and interesting lives" series do we need?

The lives of Ozzy Osbourne, Anna Nicole Smith, Paula Abdul, Tanya Tucker, Run-DMC, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, Kimora Lee Simmons, Kathy Griffin, Tori Spelling, Scott Baio, Gene Simmons(not related to Kimora, by the way), Victoria Gotti, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, Janice Dickinson and her models, Janice Dickinson and some person named Abbie, Nick Carter and his family, Paris and Nicole and of course Britney and Kevin have all been filmed, edited, and regurgitated by now. Celeb-reality is so over, Jen.

Personally, I think Jenny from the block would be better suited to judge a reality show because while her prickly diva-is demeanor is a draw for drag queens it's not exactly the kind of thing everybody warms up to. Her "bitchzilla" reputation would be perfectly suited to judge shows like So You Think You Can Act?, America's Next Butt Model, Project Fly Girl, and Celebrity Perfume Smackdown.

What do you think? Do you want to watch Jen and Marc change dirty diapers? Or would you rather hear La Lopez critique clueless contestants? And what would her perfect show be? Sound off in the comments section below!

Top Chef Contestant Confusion?!?

2008-04-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

Judging by the content of today's blogs, you can tell I watched waaaay too much reality television last night.

Anywho, one of the more annoying things about this season of Bravo's Top Chef(and trust me honey, there are many) is the fact that I keep getting the contestants confused!

Take for example Richard and Jen both pictured above. Which one is which, you ask? Good freakin' question! Both have Sonic the Hedgehog faux-hawks, both have goofy smiles, and both are lesbians. Oh sorry only one of them is, my bad.

Now having watched every episode this season, I of course know that Richard is the dorky straight oaf who likes to prepare his dishes with wacky blowtorches and water balloons and I know that Jen is the San Francisco lesbian wants to win the competition for her recently booted girlfriend and when she's angry she kicks folding chairs. But during quick camera shots of either in the kitchen, I'll be damned if I can tell them apart.

So it's a good thing Jen got sent home last night. Now there will only be one egotistical spiky haired competitor who rambles on and on about how genius they are. Perfect!

If only my conundrums ended there. But alas there's my constant mixing up of flaming douche bag Andrew and flaming douche bag Spike. Not only do these two look alike but both of them have identical a-hole personalities! It's like watching clones of the turds who sat behind you in History class perform their own version of "The Parent Trap". To make matters worse, they were on the same team last night. Double the irritating comments! Double the junior high jokes! Double the douche bags! Surprisingly though, Team Dipshit turned out a simple soup that rocked the judges world. So it looks as though my "who's more annoying- Spike or Andrew?" contest will continue.

This biggest puzzlement of all however is why in the hell am I watching Top Chef in the first place?! Well, in it's defense, last season was really good and had really talented chefs that were easy to root for. And it's a far better show than the hideous Hell's Kitchen.

But this season has been a flop. The chefs are an unruly, bratty bunch and while that's been my personal experience in real life with most chefs, it's far from entertaining to watch on television. Also, the corny Chicago challenges aren't helping matters. From deep dish pizza to cooking for the cast of Second City, the show has left no Chicago cliche unexploited. What's next? Cater a dinner party for Gayle King using only wind powered appliances?

And the perplexing, mysteries don't end there. Like who exactly did Queer Eye's Ted Allen piss off at Bravo as he only appears on the episodes with the weakest challenges? And why is Padma so grumpy this year? And am I the only one who gets excited when they show the shelves filled with the "Glad family of products"? Don't answer that last one.

Naturally, I'll continue to watch as I'm already sucked in (thanks, Bravo, you buttholes!) and I'll continue to laugh at Spike and the silly hats he wears. Or is that Andrew? Like it matters.

Carly Smithson, this year's Latoya London.

2008-04-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Last night when Carly Smithson was booted off American Idol, Simon said she could leave the competiton "with her head held high."And I agree! Carly joins the ranks of other prematurely ejected Idols who's talent surpassed that of the other competitors.

Think waaay back to Season 3, when the brilliant Latoya London was knocked out of the top three by the ridiculous Jasmine Trias. Trias, a pretty but dull girl from Hawaii who sounded like she should be singing in the lounge of an airport Ramada Inn. London had buckets of talent but unfortunately she didn't have an entire state voting for her like Trias so she was (unfairly) sent packing. Since then, Latoya has released some decent singles and toured with The Color Purple. Not bad but she should have been so much bigger.

Watch this for evidence:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq4rRuSMDNI

In the end, it's just reality TV. And Carly will be fine. And the world won't completely collapse if Jason Castro wins. I mean we survived Taylor Hicks, didn't we? So it doesn't matter too much.

After all, when it comes to voting in real elections America always picks the best candidate for the job. Oh wait. Never mind. Maybe we are all going to hell in a handbasket.

Kermit was Right. It's Not Easy Being Green.

2008-04-23T13:38:00.001-07:00

Whispered endlessly from the lips of politicians and celebrities, an obligation to be more thoughtful of Mother Earth has seeped into our collective consciousness. I recently fretted after throwing a pizza box into the wrong colored bin that I would receive hate mail from Al Gore and Cameron Diaz, printed on recycled paper, of course. According to Urbandictionary.com, I was experiencing “green guilt”, “the feeling that you should do more to help the environment and save the planet”. Naturally, I’m joking as I know that the aforementioned Planet Heroes are far too busy doing important things like making films with Ashton Kutcher and avoiding questions about the Clintons to be bothered with smacking me on the wrist. But the feeling is real. While it’s certainly a good thing that we’re all feeling the pressure to make better decisions regarding the environment, the dilemma remains ”Am I doing enough or am I doing too much?”

All around my neighborhood, you can see small signs of environmentalism. Recycling bins in front of local businesses and crowded bus stops have long been a part of Echo Park’s landscape. However, young couples distraught over buying paper plates at Rite-Aid for a backyard barbecue are a more recent occurrence. Last winter, I overheard a concerned father at a coffee shop tell his friend that his children were upset to find out they would not be receiving Christmas presents because the family had deemed the holiday “wasteful”. This seemed a little extreme to me. Surely, both Santa and Mr. Gore would still want nice kids to be rewarded, planetary concerns notwithstanding. I did sympathize with the dad though. How do we teach our children to respect the Earth while still letting them have a childhood? Moreover, how do we enjoy our lives in a way that doesn’t damage the planet?

Personally, I barter with my ecological contributions. I don’t own a car, I use energy efficient light bulbs, and I recycle my used glass and plastic products (I’m still working on the paper thing evidently). So I don’t feel as much green guilt over my long showers, trips to Starbucks, and Gourmet magazine subscription. Admittedly, these justifications are unlikely to award me a pat on the back from Leonardo DiCaprio and I could stand to cut out a few more extravagances. But as a wise woman once said “You always hear the comment about wanting to leave a big footprint in the sands of time, but it can be a small footprint too. It doesn’t need to be bigger, just better.”Actually, it was Cameron Diaz who said that and it makes sense. Maybe just doing what we can is enough and maybe we can cut ourselves a little slack for not being perfect environmentalists. That being said, I do still feel bad about that pizza box thing. I promise it won’t happen again.

(Published in The Los Feliz Ledger May 2008)

You Need This Volume #1: Fan-tastique.

2008-04-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

Just in time for those dog days of summer! I'll be staying cool this season with one of country music's true legends.

But you best get your own 'cuz you ain't woman enough to take my fan.

Through Thick and Thin

2008-04-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

My weight, much like Carrie Underwood's love life, is a complicated thing. I rarely talk about it because, quite honestly, I don't know what to say.

Once upon a time, I looked like a Pez Machine and had a 28 inch waistline. Of course that was during an ancient time when Robin S. had a hit on the radio and Ecstasy cost less than a pack of cigarettes. It's ironic that my old body, that was a total turn-off in the 90's, is now all the rage among male models and rocker boys.

Since then I've fluctuated back and forth. Now I've never been rotund but when you're used to being a stick figure, seeing a scale inch closer to the "200" mark is a little shocking. I looked at my self shirtless in the mirror six months ago and wondered "What Happened?".

Well, my thirties happened for one and so did a long term relationship- there's at least ten pounds right there. Couple that with years of drinking like one of the Barrymores, increased laziness, and a romance with my TiVo and Voila! You're nearly 200 pounds.

Not ready to embrace my inner-bear or eager to starve myself, I had to come up with a plan. So I quit drinking, which was a separate problem but also a contributing factor. I'm a person who loves food so dieting is not an option but I also love walking. I decide to smaller portions of whatever the hell I wanted but to increase the amount I walked.

Four months later, I'm still sober and I've lost nearly 17 pounds! Moreover, I feel really good. I'm proud of myself and I like who I see in the mirror. Sure, I wish I could be the person who loved themselves regardless of how much they weigh and I know my battle is far from over. But I've got a great man, amazing friends and family, and adorable pets who support me regardless of my pant size. So it's still complicated but I'm working on it....

A Day Late & A Dollar Short!

2008-04-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

Poor Carmen Electra! The Emmy's are giving out an award this year for "Best Reality Show" host and since her show "Manhunt: The Search For America's Most Gorgeous Male Model" is no longer on the air she is unable to be considered for this category.

It's unfortunate too since Carmen did some stellar hosting unlike anything I've ever seen. Made for about $37 bucks Manhunt was a brain-rotting reality show that makes Flavor of Love look like a Sam Shepard play.

With the personality of a wet English muffin, the Electress would eliminate potential JC Pennys models by saying her catch-phrase- "This is your Last Shot." Classic.

Sure, she's no Samantha Harris or Amanda Byram but she was as good at hosting a reality show as she is as strip-aerobics. Oh well, Carmen. You're better off. The Emmy's are a rigged, racist, bullshit awards show and a talent like yours could never be appreciated by them.

In the meantime, I'd like to pay tribute by sharing this with the world:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHzH5cJnFZ8

A Political Endorsement I can get Behind!

2008-04-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

By now, we've all seen Oprah basically crawl inside Barrack Obama's backside and jump up and down like she just gave out more free cars. And honestly who cares? I don't trust Oprah or anything she endorses. Let's remember this is the woman who loves Celine Dion, John Travolta, and Neil Diamond. And lest we forget she turned two brilliant books (Beloved and Their Eyes Were Watching God) into shite movies. And do I really have to remind you that this is the same lady who thought it was a good idea to sing her own theme song and wheeled out a little red wagon filled with fat?

Sure, La Winfrey might be the "go-to" on where to find the best $35 oatmeal cookie or high speed colonic for your cocker spaniel but I'll look to the real minds of our generation, like Kim Kardashian, to help me pick out a president, thank you very much. Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass and for making a sex tape with Brandy's little brother. Period. And somehow that seems more genuine than any Angel Network or crappy book club.

It does make me wonder who Jerri from Survivor and Stavros Niarchos are endorsing for president, though.........