I Think Kristie Alley Said it Best When She said....

'Nuff Said.

Heather Forever

It's all over the news and the internet that Heather Locklear was arrested today for a DUI. There was no racial slurs or injured trees, just some sunglasses that she ran over. I say no harm no foul. Poor Heather has had a bitch of a couple of months. Her meds are out of wack and she has fallen on tough times. Let us remember the lovely Locklear as the woman who saved Spelling shows and not as the gal who took too much candy, shall we?

Just marvel as she poses as an exotic dancer on TJ Hooker! Or wonder at how La Locklear  takes a bitch slap! But mostly let's celebrate Heather the superslut boss. 

Heather, we've got your back. Besides, who among us hasn't popped the wrong pill at the wrong time?

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

Here's the list of the songs I just can't get enough of this week. Enjoy!

1.) "Crazy"-Jem It has been a long three years since we've heard from Jem and this addictive track with it's electro-banjos and fizzy production proves it was worth the wait. 

2.)"Youthless"- Beck Sometimes Beck rocks my world and other times he wears me the fuck out. Thankfully, this song from Modern Guilt and recently heard on Grey's Anatomy is a thoughtfully written and artfully produced track. It's the funky Beck you love with a little more substance!

3.)"Acid Tongue", Jenny Lewis The title track from Jenny Lewis' second solo record is filled with sharp lyrics and cutting commentary we've come to expect from her. And her voice sounds heavenly.

4.) "Electric Feel", MGMT I am a little behind the curve on this band but recently  got on board big time. I've downloaded this song and listened to it a billion times.

5.) "The World Should Revole Around Me", Little Jackie For those of us who have been fans of Imani Coppola for years, we couldn't be happier that her new project has been so successful. She's still wry, witty, and blunt but now set to a funky retro beat. 

Britney's back. Kind of.

The new single, "Womanizer", by Britney Spears was released today riding the waves of the recent "she's not crazy anymore" PR spin that's been brewing for the last few months. I wasn't the worlds biggest fan of her last album but to each his own. I have always enjoyed Britney like one does roller rink nachos, it's great for what it is but compared to everything else it's just okay. So I was eager for a little pop escape and rushed over to her website to give it a listen.

The issue that Britney has had over the last couple of years, aside from forgetting her panties, has been the ability to evolve and change to stay ahead of the others in her genre. Sadly, "Womanizer" won't help her in that direction either. It's a bland, repetitive "you've done me wrong song" that sounds like it was picked from the Rhianna discard pile. The big head scratcher with this song is the lack of hook. Britney has never really possessed a strong point of view so she desperately needs great pop writers to create a character for her a la "Baby, One More Time" and "Toxic". In lieu of being catchy, the song chooses the borderline annoying route having the songbird repeat the title over and over until your ready to rip your ears off.

The other mystery here is the production quality. It sounds so rushed it's as if it was recorded in some one's garage yesterday and released today. Her vocals are typical Britney and in that sense the song succeeds. She purrs in all the right places and sells it. After all, critiquing the singing on a Britney song is as irrelevant as judging a soap opera on it's acting.

Still,  I find myself rooting for the girl. I want her to be back on top and think she has the stuff to do it and again it's a disappointment. The fundamental problem surrounding Britney, in my opinion, is her team. She needs to give smart and honest interviews. She needs to work with top notch songwriters and innovative producers. She needs to work with better stylists. Two of the first lessons in Madonna 101 are to surround yourself with talented people and show the fans a good time. "Womanizer" proves that although she might not be a train wreck anymore, she's far from graduating.

It's Friday Music Day!

Due to a crazy ass work schedule, I missed last Friday. So I am now here to make it up to you with some great music.

Like this booty shaker from Hercules and Love Affair.

Or this sexy ditty by Bitter:Sweet. Click on "Sugar Mama".

Or how about this amazing number by Alanis?

Still not happy? 

Then how about this funk-tacular Sly & the Family Stone performance?

Now don't say I never gave you nothin'!

Non-News of the Week.

Clay Aiken is Gay!! New 90210 Actresses Are Too Skinny!! Sarah Pallin's Preacher is an Extremist Whack Job!!  Traffic in Los Angeles sucks!!!

Jeeze. These are the items flooding the Internet?!? It's not like there's a war going on or that the economy is in the crapper or anything. But just because I like to hear myself talk, I will give you my two cents on the aforementioned topics and then we will never speak of them again and I can go back to talking about important stuff like reality TV. 

Clay Aiken: Even if you have no gaydar whatsoever and the only gay celebrity you know is Tom Cruise, you had to see this one coming. His last album tanked, magically a baby appeared in his arms a few weeks back and all of the sudden he's pulling a Lance Bass on the cover of People Magazine. Well good for him and personally I feel vindicated. I made a joke about him in an article I wrote awhile back and a pack of angry Claymates attacked me and defended his heterosexuality. To those rabid fans I'd like to take you back to third grade by simply saying "Told ya!"

90210: Today's 90210 girls are yesterday's Kiera Knightly and the day before that's Calista Flockhart. Yawn. The real expose that should be going on here how skinny Hollywood men are. I mean I saw Freddy Prinze Jr awhile back and he looked like a toothpick holding an olive and don't even get me started on the male stars of a certain hospital show who all need a bag of  Del Taco STAT! Yet we never see guys on the cover of US Weekly. Hmm. Regardless, I think everybody needs to realize it's the industry and this town that creates the skinny standard and not the performers themselves. I say if we want to attack the younger cast of 90210, let's talk about how they cannot act and how awful their show is and leave it at that.

Sarah Pallin: I have stayed away from this topic because I do not want to give her any more praise, popularity, or press than she deserves. I have not and will not sit through any of her interviews. I refuse to read quotes by her. In short,  you will not find me waving a tube of lipstick in the air at her next speech. She's an animal murdering, environment killing, money grubbing, anti-woman tool so naturally she has a crazy preacher who wants to protect her from witches and does wacky healing ceremonies. I think religion and spirituality are extremely personal and should be kept out of the political arena entirely. Not voting for somebody based solely on their religous beliefs is silly. Especially, when there are so many other reasons not to vote for Sarah Pallin.

Livin' La Vida Leachman

As promised, I sat down to that televised equivalent of a bag of  cheese puffs known as Dancing with the Stars and let me just say I was blown away! Yes it's still a hokey, bloated train wreck but the contestants were very entertaining. 

My beloved Kim Kardashian looked stunning even though she danced rather poorly. She kept wondering why she was so unbalanced. Hmm, Kimmy. It could have anything to do with that enormous booty, could it? Anywho, the whole clan was there cheering her on and I hope she stays around.

Susan Lucci, on the other hand, was a total disappointment as she moved like the world's skinniest android. La Lucci, we love you but you need to visit In-N-Out while your in Los Angeles. Daily. Olympic volleyballer Misty May was also a letdown. I'm used to athletes dominating on this show but she kind of looked like stallion in a ball gown and danced like one too. 

My favorite performance of the night was that of Miss Cloris Leechman. Being 82 did not slow her down! She's still fiesty and hilarious. Sure, she's not gonna win the damn disco ball trophy but she will provide entertainment while she's around. In her first night, she sat on the judges laps, zinged one-liners, and jokingly blurted obscenities when she received her scores. Also, it should be noted that her body is AMAZING for an old gal. I've always loved her in things like The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Young Frankenstein so I'm not surprised she's just as funny in real life. 

In addition to Leechman, there's the "will Toni Braxton collapse?" factor, the Lacey from So You Think You Can Dance joining the cast as one of the pros, and the return of yummy Maks!

And just like that: I'm hooked. I always say to myself "Maybe I'll skip it this year". 5 million sequins and ten has-beens later, I'm mesmerized and on board for the entire season.