This weekend marks the annual Coachella music festival here in Southern California and this years lineup is killer as usual. Prince, Portishead, Rilo Kiley, M.I.A., Justice, and dozens of others will be sweating out their hits on a polo field in the middle of nowhere. Umm. No thanks.
Don't get we wrong, I had a blast when I went in 2006 and saw tons of amazing performances (Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, Cat Power, Imogen Heap, Sleeter Kinney, Los Amigos Invisibles, and some chick named Madonna). I'm just a little long in the tooth to be hoofing it in the desert with 40,000 of my closest friends. I'm not delusional about this and I know my current limitations.My tolerance for drunk girls in tube tops and crowds of sweaty teenagers is nearly non-existent. And I'm not that great in the sun for long periods of time and then of course there's that whole "I really don't like people very much" thing. Plus, I always promised myself I wouldn't turn into that music fan who overstayed their welcome. In short, I never wanted to be the weird old dude in the club and I think I've accomplished that goal.
It's not to say that I still don't love live shows and don't have fond memories of Coachella. Like how could I ever forget this group of blond, tanned Cougar-type ladies in belted white shorts and gold flats holding frozen margaritas and getting down to Kayne West? Classic. Another good moment happened when this tiny Lindsay Lohan(Freaky Friday era, not rehab era) look-alike passed me a joint rolled in pink paper while watching Bloc Party.
But hands down the best Coachella moment happened before Madonna performed. A drunk, bitchy gay boy in a tank top was growing impatient waiting for her to take the stage. So to pass the time he complained very loudly and made some of the worst one-liners I had ever heard. He bitched and moaned for nearly a half an hour and the nearby cramped festival goers started to lose their patience. Suddenly, from seemingly out of nowhere, his overweight gal pal who was standing behind him didn't look so good. She was sweaty and looked like she had a hard time standing up. As I turned the opposite direction, I heard a thud! Both bitchy boy and his friend had fallen over. Amid laughter, gasps, and a couple of "Are you guys okay?"s, the drunk duo got up and slumped out of sight. Not only was the complaining over but there was suddenly more room to stand! Fabulous.
So Coachella-goers, I salute you. As for me, I'll be listening to Cut Copy from the safety of my couch and happy to not be picking sand out of my crack.