So you know that guy at the mall who works at one of those carts that sells back massagers? He's giving you the hard sell and being really persistent but just by looking in his eyes you can see that he knows this whole sales pitch is a steamy load of crap?
That's exactly how I felt watching George Bush's press conference this morning. He sort of chit-chatted with reporters in the White House garden but didn't really answer any questions. He was pleasant as usual and reinforced my theory if George Bush was just a manager at a Denny's who's only responsibility was making sure you received your "Moons Over My Hammy" then I'm sure we'd all think he was a really nice guy. He was kind of passionate about the war and gave his usual terrorism is bad, blah, blah, blah. But like the back massage guy, you could tell he knew it was a wasted sales pitch.
As a rule, I avoid George Bush and making jokes about him. I feel like what could I possibly add to a topic that's so obviously ridiculous and embarrassing that a billion corny t-shirts and late night talk show hosts haven't already said? I'd be better of telling dusty Polack or blond jokes because at least those aren't a reality. But I stumbled upon his speech while watching The Today Show.
I know. The Today Show? What am I? 80? Trust me. I'd rather be asleep but due to one Dr Pepper too many during last night's Dancing with the Stars, my sleep was erratic. After several hours of thrashing about like Reagan from The Exorcist, I gave up the dream and got out of bed. With my eyes half open, I jaunted to Starbucks with the dog and before I knew it I was hanging out with Matt Lauer, Al Roker, and George Bush. Yeesh. Not a great television option but since I'm fresh out of meth, I couldn't possibly handle Live with Regis and Kelly or God forbid Rachael Ray-tard. Also, I couldn't be bothered to look through my 9,000 channels to find anything else.
Nothing on Today has really changed. Meredith Viera still scares me, the news is still vapid and depressing, and the format is unoffensive, if uninspired. The only thing that has changed is how many damn people host the show! Seriously, in addition to Matt, Al, Meredith, and Ann Currie there's some random brunette, a lady named Hoda or Koda or Yoda and even Kathie Lee Gifford! It's confusing. I kept wondering "who the hell is that and where did she come from?' Oh yeah and now it's on for like fourteen hours. In fact, it's still going as I write this. It's turned into the Super Target of morning shows. Makes me almost miss Bryant Gumble and Jane Pauley. Almost.
Features included what to do if your child is posing nude on the internet, Matt Lauer at Ann Franks house, and poor Christine Baranski looking like she wanted to kill her agent. But hands down the worst thing I witnessed was Al Roker wearing a Horton Hears a Whoo mask and screaming. Thanks, NBC. Now, I'll never get back to sleep.