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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Dear Carrie Underwood,

First off, let me say I love you. I do. Your brand of country pop isn't exactly my cup of tea but you've got some killer pipes and you seem like a nice person which makes what I'm about to say all the more painful. 

Last night's outfit on the American Idol finale was the last straw. I've put up with your never ending love of dressy shorts and sparkly tops because you're a country star and your fashion rules are different from the rest of us.  But honey, forgetting your pants and draping yourself in Charmin Ultra Soft is where I draw the line. Less of a fashion statement and more of a cry for help, this ensemble actually made me sad. 
It brings a tear to my I when I think of a star like yourself being unable to find the right homosexual to make these choices for you. I emphasize the word "right" because assuming that one is a style guru just based on their sexual preference is foolish.  Just ask Paula Abdul, who surrounds herself with gays and still winds up looking like a cake topper at a quinceanera most of the time. A no-nonsense hip homo could have prevented this confounding stripper-meets-televangelist nightmare from ever happening.

 Also, it concerns me that the people around you aren't being honest with you. Is there no one in your life to look you in the eye and say "No, Carrie. That's hideous"? Everyone, famous or not, requires an inner circle of confidants to tell us no on a regular basis. Without folks like this, how would we ever know if we had spinach in our teeth or if our jeans made us look fat? Carrie, I'd be that person for you, no questions asked. Just say the word and I'll tell you to not wear a side ponytail with a dress that looks like a doily.  Not because I judge you but because I care.

In closing, I'd like to add that your not the only Idol in need of help, so don't feel bad. Poor Jordin Sparks looked like a Wurther's Original last night in her gold mumu and orange nail polish. And the less said about Fantasia's pink hair, the better. Even my beloved Kelly Clarkson has made some fashion belly flops. 
Point is, Carrie your gorgeous and you deserve better. Leave the toilet paper at home next time, remember to put on your pants, and you always have the red carpets at the Grammys or a billion country awards shows to redeem yourself. 

Love ya,


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