I Think Kristie Alley Said it Best When She said....

'Nuff Said.

Heather Forever

It's all over the news and the internet that Heather Locklear was arrested today for a DUI. There was no racial slurs or injured trees, just some sunglasses that she ran over. I say no harm no foul. Poor Heather has had a bitch of a couple of months. Her meds are out of wack and she has fallen on tough times. Let us remember the lovely Locklear as the woman who saved Spelling shows and not as the gal who took too much candy, shall we?

Just marvel as she poses as an exotic dancer on TJ Hooker! Or wonder at how La Locklear  takes a bitch slap! But mostly let's celebrate Heather the superslut boss. 

Heather, we've got your back. Besides, who among us hasn't popped the wrong pill at the wrong time?

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

Here's the list of the songs I just can't get enough of this week. Enjoy!

1.) "Crazy"-Jem It has been a long three years since we've heard from Jem and this addictive track with it's electro-banjos and fizzy production proves it was worth the wait. 

2.)"Youthless"- Beck Sometimes Beck rocks my world and other times he wears me the fuck out. Thankfully, this song from Modern Guilt and recently heard on Grey's Anatomy is a thoughtfully written and artfully produced track. It's the funky Beck you love with a little more substance!

3.)"Acid Tongue", Jenny Lewis The title track from Jenny Lewis' second solo record is filled with sharp lyrics and cutting commentary we've come to expect from her. And her voice sounds heavenly.

4.) "Electric Feel", MGMT I am a little behind the curve on this band but recently  got on board big time. I've downloaded this song and listened to it a billion times.

5.) "The World Should Revole Around Me", Little Jackie For those of us who have been fans of Imani Coppola for years, we couldn't be happier that her new project has been so successful. She's still wry, witty, and blunt but now set to a funky retro beat. 

Britney's back. Kind of.

The new single, "Womanizer", by Britney Spears was released today riding the waves of the recent "she's not crazy anymore" PR spin that's been brewing for the last few months. I wasn't the worlds biggest fan of her last album but to each his own. I have always enjoyed Britney like one does roller rink nachos, it's great for what it is but compared to everything else it's just okay. So I was eager for a little pop escape and rushed over to her website to give it a listen.

The issue that Britney has had over the last couple of years, aside from forgetting her panties, has been the ability to evolve and change to stay ahead of the others in her genre. Sadly, "Womanizer" won't help her in that direction either. It's a bland, repetitive "you've done me wrong song" that sounds like it was picked from the Rhianna discard pile. The big head scratcher with this song is the lack of hook. Britney has never really possessed a strong point of view so she desperately needs great pop writers to create a character for her a la "Baby, One More Time" and "Toxic". In lieu of being catchy, the song chooses the borderline annoying route having the songbird repeat the title over and over until your ready to rip your ears off.

The other mystery here is the production quality. It sounds so rushed it's as if it was recorded in some one's garage yesterday and released today. Her vocals are typical Britney and in that sense the song succeeds. She purrs in all the right places and sells it. After all, critiquing the singing on a Britney song is as irrelevant as judging a soap opera on it's acting.

Still,  I find myself rooting for the girl. I want her to be back on top and think she has the stuff to do it and again it's a disappointment. The fundamental problem surrounding Britney, in my opinion, is her team. She needs to give smart and honest interviews. She needs to work with top notch songwriters and innovative producers. She needs to work with better stylists. Two of the first lessons in Madonna 101 are to surround yourself with talented people and show the fans a good time. "Womanizer" proves that although she might not be a train wreck anymore, she's far from graduating.

It's Friday Music Day!

Due to a crazy ass work schedule, I missed last Friday. So I am now here to make it up to you with some great music.

Like this booty shaker from Hercules and Love Affair.

Or this sexy ditty by Bitter:Sweet. Click on "Sugar Mama".

Or how about this amazing number by Alanis?

Still not happy? 

Then how about this funk-tacular Sly & the Family Stone performance?

Now don't say I never gave you nothin'!

Non-News of the Week.

Clay Aiken is Gay!! New 90210 Actresses Are Too Skinny!! Sarah Pallin's Preacher is an Extremist Whack Job!!  Traffic in Los Angeles sucks!!!

Jeeze. These are the items flooding the Internet?!? It's not like there's a war going on or that the economy is in the crapper or anything. But just because I like to hear myself talk, I will give you my two cents on the aforementioned topics and then we will never speak of them again and I can go back to talking about important stuff like reality TV. 

Clay Aiken: Even if you have no gaydar whatsoever and the only gay celebrity you know is Tom Cruise, you had to see this one coming. His last album tanked, magically a baby appeared in his arms a few weeks back and all of the sudden he's pulling a Lance Bass on the cover of People Magazine. Well good for him and personally I feel vindicated. I made a joke about him in an article I wrote awhile back and a pack of angry Claymates attacked me and defended his heterosexuality. To those rabid fans I'd like to take you back to third grade by simply saying "Told ya!"

90210: Today's 90210 girls are yesterday's Kiera Knightly and the day before that's Calista Flockhart. Yawn. The real expose that should be going on here how skinny Hollywood men are. I mean I saw Freddy Prinze Jr awhile back and he looked like a toothpick holding an olive and don't even get me started on the male stars of a certain hospital show who all need a bag of  Del Taco STAT! Yet we never see guys on the cover of US Weekly. Hmm. Regardless, I think everybody needs to realize it's the industry and this town that creates the skinny standard and not the performers themselves. I say if we want to attack the younger cast of 90210, let's talk about how they cannot act and how awful their show is and leave it at that.

Sarah Pallin: I have stayed away from this topic because I do not want to give her any more praise, popularity, or press than she deserves. I have not and will not sit through any of her interviews. I refuse to read quotes by her. In short,  you will not find me waving a tube of lipstick in the air at her next speech. She's an animal murdering, environment killing, money grubbing, anti-woman tool so naturally she has a crazy preacher who wants to protect her from witches and does wacky healing ceremonies. I think religion and spirituality are extremely personal and should be kept out of the political arena entirely. Not voting for somebody based solely on their religous beliefs is silly. Especially, when there are so many other reasons not to vote for Sarah Pallin.

Livin' La Vida Leachman

As promised, I sat down to that televised equivalent of a bag of  cheese puffs known as Dancing with the Stars and let me just say I was blown away! Yes it's still a hokey, bloated train wreck but the contestants were very entertaining. 

My beloved Kim Kardashian looked stunning even though she danced rather poorly. She kept wondering why she was so unbalanced. Hmm, Kimmy. It could have anything to do with that enormous booty, could it? Anywho, the whole clan was there cheering her on and I hope she stays around.

Susan Lucci, on the other hand, was a total disappointment as she moved like the world's skinniest android. La Lucci, we love you but you need to visit In-N-Out while your in Los Angeles. Daily. Olympic volleyballer Misty May was also a letdown. I'm used to athletes dominating on this show but she kind of looked like stallion in a ball gown and danced like one too. 

My favorite performance of the night was that of Miss Cloris Leechman. Being 82 did not slow her down! She's still fiesty and hilarious. Sure, she's not gonna win the damn disco ball trophy but she will provide entertainment while she's around. In her first night, she sat on the judges laps, zinged one-liners, and jokingly blurted obscenities when she received her scores. Also, it should be noted that her body is AMAZING for an old gal. I've always loved her in things like The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Young Frankenstein so I'm not surprised she's just as funny in real life. 

In addition to Leechman, there's the "will Toni Braxton collapse?" factor, the Lacey from So You Think You Can Dance joining the cast as one of the pros, and the return of yummy Maks!

And just like that: I'm hooked. I always say to myself "Maybe I'll skip it this year". 5 million sequins and ten has-beens later, I'm mesmerized and on board for the entire season. 

Fall TV Report Part Two

Okay so this is the big week. The week where my beloved Betty returns, the week when my Amazing Race comes back to prove that "No, it's not overrated", and the week where I decide if I want to sit through that new Christian Slater show or not. 

I skipped tonight's Heroes premiere simply because I do not know what the hell is going on. Seriously. Last season confused me and I felt like I was missing something so instead I watched Marie Osmond faint on Dancing with the Stars. That at least made sense. I keep thinking if I have a season two marathon, I would be back in the game but then a show about Brooke Hogan buying a bikini comes on and all bets are off. So I don't have geek cred. Kill me.

Speaking of Dancing with the Stars, I did DVR that one and did not watch it. Listen, I know that ABC's corny has-been-fest is a shlocky hot mess but again I watch Brooke Hogan. What makes DWTS fun is the cast. If it has folks you care about ("Look, Kelly Taylor's doing the foxtrot!") then it's a hell of a ride, if not ( "Uhm is that guy from porn or an ABC soap?") it's no fun. Still, this cast looks promising what with Kim Kardashian, Susan Lucci, and Cloris Leachman mixing it up. So I'm on board regardless of how pathetic it is. 

Mostly, I have been enjoying early returners like Gossip Girl ( I know how many times a day can a mention this show?)and T:TSCC and summer holdouts like the FLAWLESS Mad Men. But the week is young my friends and I will be keeping watch of the latest, greatest, and silliest. So as they say in TV- Stay tuned!

Catherine is the New Alexis

Once upon a ruffled shoulder pad, if you wanted to name the resident beyatch on your nighttime drama, the name of choice would be Alexis. After all, it did wonders for Dynasty and soon everything from daytime soaps to big movies had villanesses named Alexis, Alex, or Alexandra.

Two decades and multiple fashion disasters later, the televixen name of choice has changed. Your new I-love-to-hate-her gal is now Catherine. Turns out the old school moniker of royalty is now the "it" name for royal bitches. 

Take Catherine Weaver played scrumptiously by Garbage lead singer Shirley Manson on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles for example. Decked out in taliored monochromatic suits and a slicked out ponytail Manson's cyborg with a secret is my favorite evil Catherine since Katherine Hiegl. I know that was a cheap shot but necessary since we all  secretly love/hate her.

Elsewhere (and by that I mean on the CW), Catherine on Gossip Girl is actual royalty, even if it's just by marriage. In her short time terrorizing the Upper Eastside teens,  Duchess Catherine has already blackmailed a young girl, slept with said girl's crush, and macked out with her own stepson! Leave it to Central Park West and Twin Peaks alum Madchen Amick to give this cougarriffic Catherine some real claws. Joan would be proud.

And lastly, the first new Katherine (with a K!) that grabbed me last year was Katherine Mayfair of Desperate Housewives. I've already blogged about how fabulous Dana Delany is in this role but since she was ROBBED of an Emmy nomination, it's worth repeating. Ms. Mayfair is a secretive, controlling witch but it's her sadness and turmoil that makes her utterly compelling. Marc Cherry and company should be applauded for being ahead of the curve. 

Still, you have to give Alexis her due. Because if an Alexis was unhappy with her writers she wouldn't whine about it to the press. She'd just have them fired. Or at least beat the hell out of them.

Lady Business

So last night, Tina Fey won a ton of Emmys and I couldn't be happier. I've only seen a few episodes of 30 Rock but I have vowed to get my hands on dvds and watch them all before the new season starts. I promise.

 The woman is a comedic genius and SNL is a waste of space without her. She was also nominated for her stint as a guest host on SNL which coincidentally was the best episode they've had since she left. They kept showing a clip from the skit "Lady Business" that had me and my man snickering at just the thought of it. It's a parody of Lipstick Jungle/ Cashmere Mafia and hands down one of the funniest sketches they've ever done. 

Watch it here and enjoy!

Lipstick on a Pig? It's been done, honey.

Has the world ever needed Miss Piggy more than we do now?

There's talk of a new Muppet movie and holiday special and it can't happen soon enough for me. I know people say since his passing, Jim Henson's creatures just haven't been the same and I tend to agree.  But I'm remaining hopeful since the Muppets still take me to my "happy place". 

Plus, I could use a little dose of Miss Piggy's tough, diva attitude right about now. I have a short list of people she could karate chop and insult in that special way that only Miss Piggy could do. While I await her return, I've found some killer youtube clips of the diva in action to hold me over. Like this fabulous opening number from her television special, a comedy mash up of her on Top Model, her dancing at a disco with Christopher Reeve and Cheryl Ladd(!), and a classic moment from the Muppet Show.

Watching these clips makes you realize how good we had it as kids with the genius of Frank Oz and Jim Henson. Kids today(a phrase that automatically makes you sound really old) are stuck with the Jonas Brothers and That's so Raven. Hardly seems fair.

Running from The Hills!

I have little guilt when it comes to admitting my secret love of bad reality tv. I should, I suppose hang my head in shame but instead I wear my trash tv crown with pride and I'm all "I watched four hours of I Love New York. What?"

So it's a tad baffling that I've never gotten into The Hills on MTV. Trust me, it's not like I've drawn some line in the sand and said "watching strippers play mud football to win a date with Brett Michaels is one thing but phony LA fashion designers stabbing each other in the back is where I say enough is enough!" And on paper, it seems like the kind of thing that I should enjoy. Entertainment Weekly even declared it a "classic". So what's the deal?

First off, if I want to watch bad bottle blonds being bitchy in fake situations clearly set up by producers, then I'll turn on Young and the Restless. Secondly, Lauren Conrad kinda scares me. She seems like she could snap at any moment and her lack of charisma and likability support my psycho theory. Another reason, I don't watch is because I feel like I've seen the whole damn show already with all the non-stop media coverage and omnipresence of the cast on the red carpet. Dave and I have a joke that anytime we don't recognize a celebrity on TMZ it probably means they are from The Hills. Like this guy in the picture. Oh you don't know who he is either? Good so maybe I'm not the only one who doesn't watch this show. (Apparently, he's Brody Jenner and he's one of the stars, just fyi)

Mainly, though, my issue with The Hills is that it didn't grab in the beginning which is what needs to happen to get one hooked on reality tv. So unless someone out there wants to lend me the dvds, my life will go on "Hill-less". And that's probably a good thing.

Fall TV Report Part One

So I know the good stuff ( Ugly Betty, Dirty,Sexy,Money, Desperate Housewives, Nip/Tuck, Damages, Amazing Race, etc.) doesn't start for a few weeks but since I am a huge television whore I have been watching it all, darling. The results have ranged from fabulous to "please someone grab an automatic weapon". 

And here are they are:

90210- The most hyped show of the season is (surprise!) also the worst. Other than Shannen  Doehtry and the brilliant Jessica Walter, this steaming pile of cliched teen show refuse is a dated unintentionally campy mess. The acting is horrid and the writing is totally uninspired. Avoid it at all costs.

True Blood- HBO! Alan Ball! Anna Paquin! Should be brilliant, right? Far from it. The log ride accents and lame vampire portrayals bog down this show down. What should be a funny, fizzy, scary ride is more like being stuck in a busted Pinto in rush hour traffic.

Terminator:The Sarah Connor Chronicles- Faster moving and better written than season 1, this franchise series received a shot of insulin due to an icy performance by Garbage front woman Shirley Manson and exhilarated story lines. Watch it before the a-holes at Fox cancel it!

Gossip Girl- Okay, I'm exhausted from telling people how much fun this show is! But gosh darn it, I am a giver and I'll do it till I'm blue in the face. Hot NYC locales, the best clothes on TV, and a cast that you wanna make out with each and every one of them, Gossip Girl is the shit. Take a big whiff!

Privileged- This frothy, funny fairy-tale is the most fun I've had in front of ye ole boob tube in quite sometime. Think Enchanted meets the Hilton sisters without the sex tapes. For those of us missing Men in Trees, Privileged is the perfect antidote.

Fringe- There are two camps, traditionally, when it comes to JJ Abrams. You either dig his brand of self indulgent sci-fi or it makes you want to tear your corninas out. I fall somewhere in the middle. The first 45 minutes of Fringe was a bloated, ridiculous mess but the last half grabbed me. So I'll tune in until the pretense irritates me. Plus, I kinda missed Joshua Jackson!

My DVR will be working overtime but I will watch all the new shows even if it is simply to make fun of them and you'll be here reading every step of the way!

Simply Barbra!

Let it be known that yours truly has never been one of those gays who worships at the alter of Barbra Streisand. Maybe I'm too young. Maybe my heart belongs to Madonna and Cher and there's simply no room for one more diva. Whatever it is, I will never be like the license plate I recently saw on a Cadillac "BJS#1FAN" (that stands for Barbra Joan Striesand and the world tour backstage pass dangling from the rearview mirror confirmed it, so get your mind out of the gutter). Sure, I love Funny Girl and some of her seventies songs are amazing but her egomanical persona and preachiness have always rubbed me the wrong way.

So I was surprised when I stumbled upon her blog about John McCain/ Sarah Palin. She perfectly she nails the whole situation and manipulation.  Read it here.

Babs, a former Hillary supporter has now thrown her weight behind Obama and is performing tonight at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills. And I gotta give the old broad props for sticking to her guns and saying what she believes.

This, naturally, does not change the fact that I would rather eat tacks than watch The Mirror Has Two Faces nor does it make me want to blare her horrible duet with Celine Dion.

Fav 5 Songs of the Week

1.) "Sincerely, Jane", Janelle Monae-As everybody already knows, I’m the world’s biggest skeptic when it comes to musical acts that the world buzzes about but every so often the buzz is deserved. Janelle Monae is such an artist. Watch, listen, and enjoy.

2.)"Me & Armini", Emiliana Torrini-Torrini’s last record was the heartbreaking minimal Fisherman’s Woman while her debut was riding the wave of electro that was popular at the time. So where’s a gal to go next? Well ,if this title track is any indication, she has melted both sounds and added a touch of dub and reggae. The end result is pure genius.

3.) "Keeps Getting Better", Christina Aguilera-A great Chirstina Aguilera song is like a really good cheeseburger. It may not be good for you but it’s so damn tasty you could care less that it might clog you arteries. “Keeps Getting Better” is X-Tina at the peak of her powers with drizzled with Richard X-like production. Plus, any song that features the songbird howling “SUPER BITCH” is a must for your fall playlist. So Miss Aguilady, I’ll take the combo and go ahead and supersize it!

4.) "Designer Music", Lipps INC.- Sure everybody loves (or kinda hates) Funky Town but when it comes to Lipps Inc I’ll take Designer Music any day over that tired old party gem. It features the lyric “If Calvin says it’s smashin’, it’s got to be in fashion”, some very dramatic vocals and one of the best videos I’ve found in a long , long time!

5.) "Hooray! Hooray!", Boney M- Holy satin pantsuits! This silly Caribbean/funk ditty is like doing mushrooms on the Lido deck of the Love Boat and a perfect way to kick off your weekend. Hooray, indeed.

Have a lovely weekend. It's great to be back!

Vagina Rock

A few days ago, someone who does not know me very well innocently commented after hearing a few songs on my iPod that I listened to “some serious chick music”. For some reason, it annoyed me. Actually, I have several reasons to be annoyed with a statement like that.

First off it’s sexist. Had my iPod happen to play the David Bowie, The Clash, Cut Copy or Jamie Lidell that it does indeed posses, would I have been accused being a fan of “penis music”? I doubt it.
Secondly, I think it’s inaccurate. When I think of “chick music”, I think of plus-sized college gals listening to John Mayer while eating a pint of Cherry Garcia in their dorm room. Rest assured, I’m not her.
Lastly, I don’t like to be put in a box(pun intended, by the way). As a former record store employee and DJ, I like to think that I like all kinds of music regardless of the gender of the artist. In short, if it doesn’t suck, I’ll listen to it.

And yet there is truth in the statement. 95% of all the music I listen to just so happens to be by female artists. And no it’s not just because I’m gay although the term “gay music” also annoys me but I’ll save that rant for a rainy day or for whenever Jimmy Somerville releases a new album. Whichever comes first.

I guess female musicians from all genres appeal to me because I feel the message and I buy it unconditionally. From dance music and rock to jazz and pop, women in music speak to me. I think on some level because of the heart and struggle that inherently exists in the work. For example, when Billie Holiday sings Strange Fruit the power hits you directly in the gut. This song is not gender specific as it is about the horrors of racial violence but having a woman deliver the message makes it even more powerful.
Also, most male vocalists just don’t do it for me. Listening to a straight white man whine about a broken heart doesn’t stir up any emotion in me unless you're Elvis Costello and again that’s an entirely separate blog. In short, I’ll swing to Sinatra when I’m doing dishes but if I need to be lifted to another emotional plain, then Nina Simone will have to be present.

So yeah I love chick music, girl groups, and vagina rock. So what? It makes me proud that my nieces could be the next Chrissie Hyndes or Stevie Nicks or Bjorks if they wanted to be. I’ve learned to embrace my feminism as of late and thankfully it has a kick ass soundtrack.

Friday Music Day, The all girl edition!

With all this negativity surrounding a certain woman politician ,whom I refuse to address by name as I am deeply afraid of her, I have decided to dedicate this edition of Friday Music Day to the flawless females of music. After all there's a lot to celebrate. Shirley Manson kicked some ass this week on TV's Terminator, The Pretenders have a new record coming out, and Britney has been officially removed from the "kick her when she's down" list by winning a ton of MTV Awards. 

To get things started, let's give a shout out to rapper/producer/shit talker Princess Superstar. NYC's blonde goddess of electro-rap is truly a gal we can be proud of. She produces all of her own music and owns her own record label. She's vocal about gay and women's rights and she even has a song coming out with the legendary Grandmaster Flash in October. Enjoy this video for "Licky" and bow down to the Princess!

Not Over but Over There

A wise woman once said "It's not over but it's over there". That genius was Carrie Fisher and it explains perfectly how I feel about yesterday, September 11th. Do I hurt like I did on that day? No. But are those feelings still lurking around a corner somewhere? Hell yes. Have I found a way to move past what I felt that day? Of course. But will I ever return to being the same hopeful person I once was? Hell no.

So that's where we all float. Between over it and over there. We carry the load of victims of Katrina on our backs like school kids with overstuffed backpacks. We shake our heads at video footage of the Tsunami. And we dread the month of September not just because crappy television shows that we never watched will somehow be returning but because we will be forced to remember a time where we saw the world around us crumble before our very eyes. Still, somehow we place it over there in a place where it hurts but it won't kill us.

I'm guilty of being the first person to shout out "I don't want to talk about it" or "It's too depressing" when that ugly date has shown it's face on my calendar for the last seven years. I have no shame when it comes to playing the "it's too painful card". This is a luxury, I know and a silly one at that. But it comes in handy when avoiding an event that is unsavory. 

Still, I needed something else to replace September 11th as the day chaos reigned supreme. And low and behold this year I got it. Yesterday, my friend  and coworker Mario from Mexico officially became a US citizen. He has worked his ass off for over five years to make this happen so when he told me  months ago that his ceremony was to be held on September 11th, I said "Oh god" instead of "congratulations!" or "good for you!" I was presented with the opportunity to make a bad day not just go over there but to  go away entirely and instead I let some silly numbers invoke negativity. 

Strangely enough, I woke up yesterday morning with a sense of peace and happiness. Truth be told, I did not remember it was September 11th until late in the day. I did remember early on that my friend was attending his citizenship ceremony. I was content in the morning and I did not run for the television screen to see what did or did not happen. I felt happy that my friend would soon be rewarded for all his hard work. Period.

So has my hurt regarding "that day" dissipated completely? No and I don't think it ever will. But is it almost done being "over there"? Definitely.